Trading Inner Demons for Inner Daemons

Ambien

2012-01-31T03:59:00.001-08:00

Coming to you from: ~~Celestive~~ ~~Eve~~ ~~Vivian~~ ~~Fayth~~ Shen

God I miss Ambien. I miss taking too many, and how I could cut, and cut, and cut, and it didn't even hurt. I miss all the light giddy feelings. I don't miss the stupid other things I did while taking it, but I definitely miss the blood. I have two left, two my mom doesn't know about. Saving them for a 'rainy day' I guess. If there's a day where nothing will help but seeing my blood, I'll use them then. I've come close a lot of times, especially this month, but not yet. Not for now.

2011-08-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

I'll be damned. Apparently once upon a time I had introspection that delved beyond my usual "I hate everything" frame of mind. I don't remember how to do that. I know that I used to draw and write angsty poems, and I don't remember how to do that either. I used to wear things other than pajama pants or jeans and a t-shirt.

Unfortunate.

2010-01-12T22:40:00.001-08:00

I wish I could tell you that I miss you.

2010-01-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

When I touch this self-destruct button, I'll take everything with me.

2009-12-12T06:47:00.000-08:00

Just thinking of you makes me sick. You were my universe. You promised you wouldn't leave, and you left. You promised you would come back, and you didn't. You promised you still loved me, and you don't.

I'm not over you and I feel like I will never trust anyone again.

2008-05-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

breathe harder
run
run so fast your heart leaps away
it runs ahead
speeds and marks your path in advance
follow your heart
the consequences will be behind you.

Ovums

2008-04-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

*coming to you from: Celestive ~~- Eve - Vivian - Fayth - Shen~~*

So, I ran into a girl I was friends with, but had sort of lost touch with over a year ago... and she was about seven months pregnant... after a few minutes of chatting, I discovered nearly every girl I was friends with in middle school is currently 6+ months pregnant. FOUR different pregnancies...and for most of them, it's the second baby. I'm not sure that any of them are married, or that they even have "active" fathers in the soon-to-be-born's life, but still. Then there's me: unemployed, still single, incredibly reclusive, and not even in school...and now I'm bummed because I don't have a baby. :( I mean I can't have a baby seeing as I'm unemployed and single AND live with my mom & brother... I don't know... I just suddenly feel extremely "un-grown up" and behind in the adulthood thing.

Maybe I'm just a super-slow starter and in 5 years I will have some sort of fabulous life, as some sort of successful career type, or weird housemom or something. I mean probably not. I don't even know which I'd prefer.

Well whatever. I'm just having some sort of "where am I going, why is everyone having babies and not me" sort of day here. I'll get over it.

x-posted on LJ. VERBALLY x-posted everywhere

Giving You Up

2008-04-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

Forget it.
I'm never gonna give you up.
NEVER gonna let you down.

Is it just as good if it's without sound??

the color of esteem

2008-03-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

*coming to you from: Celestive - ~~Eve - Vivian - Fayth - Shen~~*

It turns out my mom is going to pay for most of the class I take, so that rocks... and mean I have to do it now, right? I'm thinking "Art Medium Sampler: Find your creative 'muse' by sampling five different one dimensional art mediums. Two weeks each of: colored pencils, pastels, acrylics, watercolor, and oil paints. This is a 'test before you invest' way to help you choose your favorite. All supplies provided some of which you may take home."

There's also that watercolor class...but it's ...at the senior center...which sounds like maybe not my cup of tea.

So I've felt lonely the past few days of course... but safer. A dangerous thought train, I'm sure.... but it's alot harder to get hurt by people if there's no people. But it's a trade off, isn't it. I've been talking out loud to myself alot more for one... THAT'S never a good sign. One nice thing was that an old friend I've always had some school-girl crush on said that he at some point had liked me... of course he was drunk at the time... and I'm pretty sure it was past tense... and it's not like we'd ever be skipping around the park hand in hand since one of us is in a relationship and the other one is insane. (...Which is which!?) .. But it's still soothing to my poor busted self-esteem.

Anyhoo. Just some more random crap. I'm trying to blog more. I figure that'll open me up some, and maybe lead to some outburst of orgasmic creativity at some point.

2008-03-09T01:55:00.000-08:00

*coming to you from: ~~Celestive - Eve~~ - Vivian - ~~Fayth - Shen~~ *

I was so crabby tonight that I smoked a cigarette. It's such deviant behaviour unbefitting of a woman of my station. ...well ok not really but it did make me feel weird. Mmm nicotine. Plus the cigarette came from a pack I bought sometime early last year...so it wasn't "fresh" I suppose. I think I've smoked three in the last year. It doesn't do much for me.

I was in an off mood a bit ago so I drew on my scars with a bright red marker. I thought it might have the same effect as seeing my own blood... Uhh it didn't. Plus it's marker so it doesn't wash off as easily. It was worth a shot. I'm not going to cut myself tonight anyway. I had such a bad february(well bad in the sense of my own scary emotional rollercoaster) and I made it through without any new cuts... I'm kind of proud of that. But I really wanted to :(

I want to move away. I've sort of burned through the friends I had early on when I got here, and I don't know if I want to try making new ones. I feel like I should just go. But if I'm just going to stay in and not talk to anyone, I guess I don't need to move, do I. My mom said since I'm not really talking to any of my old friends I can just pretend I'm in a new city. Plus I don't have a job, so the only place I'd have to go to would be like with my grandparents/my father on the other coast. That'd be...weird.

So my mom suggested I take a non-credit class this spring... it sounds like a good idea... I could possibly socialize with people sharing a similar interest... learn a little... get out of my room once a week. But the classes are mostly 100+ dollars for the course... and nothing in the catalog really jumped out at me. I'm thinking maybe the "Expressionistic, Beginning & Intermediate" watercolor class...at least I'd already have the supplies. There's also a set of fashion design courses... and a fencing class... I haven't taken a fencing class in like 6 years... and a novel writing class...anyway so I'm considering all that.

I guess I've typed enough for now.

2008-02-24T22:20:00.001-08:00

Gee, guess I jumped the fucking gun a bit, didn't I?

2008-02-14T04:48:00.001-08:00

I can't enjoy the little time I have left with you. It's too hard to be in the now, because after now, you'll be gone again. You're leaving again, for greener pastures and a warm and safe sky, and what if this is the time that you don't come back? _

2008-01-26T08:40:00.000-08:00

My cat was sitting on my laptop... she managed to open firefox and do a google search on the letter K.

...I'm scared.

2008-01-08T03:10:00.000-08:00

I thought to myself "if you really wanted to die, you'd press harder" so I pressed down harder. It's a dull blade, so it didn't do some great deal of damage. I wanted to see more blood..more shallow cuts. I hated everything, I hated me. It comes and goes, anything will trigger it. Everything triggers it. I'm such a coward, too afraid of life, and too afraid to just end it. I don't even want to tell anyone how I'm feeling. I don't want to talk to anyone about it at all. The cuts weren't deep enough. There wasn't enough blood.

More thoughts from the emo devils in my head

2008-01-05T03:56:00.000-08:00

I baptized myself in fear and doubt
Much too long ago
Now when I look back with inevitable regret
I see the moment I got soaked
I sold my soul for a little affection
But failed to bring along protection
To stave off that infection
Not an STD, not HIV
But an evil spirit that's ruined part of me
That evil spirit much stronger than mine
It shrugs with indifference while watching me die
It gave me the bruises that no one can see
That only I can feel
So personal and constant that they can't be real
I thought somehow I could get it all out
All that pain
All that shame
Hating myself and that One Unnamed
But after eons of speaking and spitting and crying it's still the same.

Get her words out

2008-01-05T03:51:00.000-08:00

For every lie that you told
For that innocense I felt you stole
For the scolding
and strategic withholding
For the rape
For the scars
For the remains of your unkind heart
For every time I felt compassion
and thought that you had let me in
For every time it all crashed down
and I was back to start again
For your indifference
For all your blame
For all the nights I cursed your name
For all the times you feigned friendship
jus so you wouldn't be alone
For every time I fell for it
and willingly raced from my home
For all the times you ignored me
and for every time you will from now on
For all the reasons I've just said
Hiding
Crying
In my bed

A real question.

2007-12-16T23:03:00.000-08:00

Would he have treated me better if I'd been thinner, prettier?

something not negative!

2007-11-30T20:30:00.000-08:00

I drew a cutesy lil sketch, then inked and colored it... and my mom and my aunt both wanted it... that gave me warm fuzzies :)

2007-11-26T17:34:00.000-08:00

Today I was originally schedueled to work from 6:30 to 2:30... I was able to shave off some of the hours with the shift giveaway system the company has, but I guess I didnt get rid of enough... after about 5 hours, I started to feel really (and this is the word I keep using) 'unglued' ... the more senile callers were frustrating me out of my mind.. my phone was at its max volume but too quiet, etc. etc. .. By the time I got home I was so agitated that I was nauseous and feeling pains in my arms and...teeth (O_o) .. I feel like a caged animal (although I caged myself) that released itself into the world and keeps flying into windows and powerlines.

Isn't that all very interesting? I'm going to try and make my shifts smaller I guess.. I wanted to make some decent cash for my Credit Card bill and to help with the electricity bill for the winter, but If I'm going to end up like this and the end of every day it's proooobably not worth i.

Oh well. I'm distracted right now by some traumatic movie called "Azumi"

2007-11-20T12:26:00.001-08:00

I spent 2 hours today involuntarily thinking about nothing but zach. All the while going "quit it. QUIT IT. QUIT IT!! You're just bored. You're just fucking retarded." Ironically when the thoughts finally ceased I came home and my brother goes "oh yeah I saw Zach with some chick the other day" :( What a terrible brother I have. Terrible, terrible brother. I don't care though. Really. Zach hasn't bothered to see how I am, or to apologize for being a jackass the last time we talked...or apologize for ANYTHING...so who cares? Well zach, I'm FINE, and my brother thinks the girl you were with was too young for you, and that you look really OLD. HA!!

Ok it felt good to get that out. I know, pathetic ugly Dom-thoughts. Expect to see more of them in the next few weeks, as I have a seasonal job and being around people forces me to confront my thoughts...

Post #101

2007-11-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

I've been dreaming this week about the people that didn't stick by me. In some of the dreams I'm full of rage and they're being so cruel. In some of the dreams things are normal like they would've been a year, two years, three years ago...

I have all this anger and unfinished business with all of them, but if one of them showed up at my door today, all I would do is make jokes and chit chat about what they've been up to. Movement is hard without a spine. One of my biggest phobias right now is running into one of them (two in particular) on the rare occasions I DO leave my home.

I was trying on clothes yesterday... it's almost unbelievable how big my body is getting. . . I guess when I stopped leaving my room, I forfeited my metabolism. I haven't been working, going to school, or socializing. I wish I could say "at least I'm getting some writing/drawing done." but I'm not. I have very little creativity.

I was thinking about how Zach used to be annoyed with how "bubbly" I was... If he saw me now I don't think he would have that complaint.

If I have virtually no friends, no job, no impact on the world around me, do I technically exist? At the moment, if I were to say drop dead, I can think of only three people whose lives would see any impact. ...and I have less and less contact with even those people. I don't even feel that compelled to change any of this... but I just know it's all wrong.

I know I have a palace of a home compared to most of the people in the world.
I know that if I'm overweight it's because I'm lucky enough to be overfed and lazy, a luxury not afforded to most of the people in the world. I know that many people lose the ones close to them through unspeakable deaths and pains... and I have the luxury of losing them primarily through emotional differences...

That doesn't change how I feel either though. In fact nothing seems to. I really wish there was some magical way I could just...download a different personality into this vessel I waddle around in. Some better version of me. Maybe I'll find a way to do that. If not, that might be a neat story to write.

Delerium

2007-10-26T06:03:00.000-07:00

Years ago, back when I was always at Zach's and his 5-cdchanging-cdplayer was always on, I started to like some slight selection of his music... one example being a band called Delerium. Like I did with any band/song I found that I liked, I immediately got him to burn me CDs so I could have the music with me, flowing into my head through my headphones. I remember a few years later, I mentioned the band again, and suddenly he was putting it down, something about being crappy and not as good as "Orb".. whose songs I don't really recall... I remember being confused and wondering if I was supposed to stop liking the band because he thought it was dumb.

I always hated that he was so rude to me about the music I liked (late 90's popwhore that I was)... but it was even more frustrating when it was music he'd introduced me too. Oh well. I should never be ashamed of my taste in music. It's not like it was KlanRock or something.

Just thinking about it because some song crept it into my head that I couldnt place at first...then finally tracked to one of my Delerium CDs... the song was "A Poem for Byzantium"

I am a sheep.

2007-09-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

Greetings, reader. Do you have some time on your hands, and a stomach for self-induldgent teenage drama? I wrote this to explain to someone...some of my emotional baggage, though not all. I know it seems like a series of small and silly events, but to me, it was much more. I've never been able to let go of the things that happened starting with the year I turned 18, and to be honest, reader, I hate myself for how I handled it all...in fact the following story explains a big part of my self loathing if you're paying attention.

This is the story of a lioness , a monkey, a shark, and me...the cowardly, cowardly sheep. It's a story of situations handled in the worst possible way by nearly all involved, and of what secrets and selfishness will eventually do to any sort of relationship. The story is of course biased towards the sheep, because I can only see what happened through her eyes.
If you were involved and think I was wrong, tough shit.

Once upon a time there were two young ladies, the lioness and the sheep. They were inseparable friends, and spent lots of time together, despite the sheep's tendency to stay indoors in her room. There were power struggles typical in relationships between young female friends, and one would feel hurt or bossed around, or used, but nothing that didn't eventually get resolved. The girls both possessed a social awkwardness, and had little experience with the opposite sex, until the sheep began spending alot of time on a magical medium that allowed her to talk with people anywhere. We'll call it the Internaught. Through the medium, the sheep became enamored with boys who lived elsewhere, so they could only be together as "internaught boyfriend and girlfriend," but since she didn't spend time with boys in her town, that was good enough for her. At first the lioness seemed to find this silly, but soon found she too enjoyed talking to people through the Internaught. However, she didn't understand the sheep's infatuations with people that lived far away, particularly because the sheep appeared to get too strongly infatuated. "I won't believe in love," said the lioness, "until it happens to me."

The sheep moved through a few of her Internaught boyfriends, but the situations were always full of confusing emotions, resulting in alot of tears and poorly written poetry. Her favorite, and last of the Internaught boyfriends, was a man from far north, in a magical land of universal health care. His name was Big Feather, who had a troubling past that had made him stronger rather than weaker like many people the sheep had 'met'. He had alot of spiritual wisdom he wanted to pass along to people, however the sheep was a very depressed girl, and she tended to reject, though admire, his positive outlook. Big Feather took affection for the sheep, and she for him, and he tried his best to help her out of her dark clouded shell.

Meanwhile, the lioness also took affection to a man from the Internaught, who also hailed from that magical land to the north. This was the monkey, a humorous and nice man who fell rapidly for the lioness, and eventually came to visit her during the summer. A short visit became a longer and longer one, as the lioness and the monkey wanted to spend more time together, but the monkey's father intervened, and came down to insist the monkey returned to his life in the north. The monkey reluctantly agreed, but promised to return when he had made enough money. Depressed, all the lioness could do was wait.

During this time, the sheep and the lioness squabbled more and more, each accusing the other of being too dependent on their respected northern loves. They also shared only one computer, which was the usual way they communicated with them. The computer was in the sheep's home, so she felt she had priority, and the lioness would often use it longer than the sheep wanted, and vice versa. The two remained friends however, though the relationship was becoming strained.

The next year, in mid-spring, preparations were being made. The monkey had made enough money to come back, and would be living with the lioness and her family. However something was amiss. The lioness had made a new friend on the Internaught, a shark who was somewhat new to the area, and was looking to make friends. They decided to meet, the day before the monkey would arrive. The shark, the lioness, the sheep, and another friend were all going to see a movie together about a teenager who was bit by a radioactive spider. It was a nice enough day, though the sheep and the other friend found the shark somewhat offputting. The lioness however, grew increasingly affectionate with the shark over the course of the day, and even offered her home for him to stay for the night. The sheep, and her family who also witnessed the exchanges of affection, were putoff, but let it go and went on with their business.

The next day, the sheep arrived home from college to find the lioness on her doorstep. The shark and the monkey were both there as well, one sitting behind her playing with her hair, the other sitting in front of her playing with her hands. The sheep shook off the awkwardness of the situation, and went on with her day and of course greeted the monkey who had returned at last.

Some small number of days later, the sheep had a bad conversation with Big Feather. Though he cared about her, and had tried to help her, he was giving up, and effectively had decided to end their Internaught Relationship on any sort of romantic level. Perhaps it was due to this new vulnerability that the sheep allowed herself to consider the shark in a different light. The four of them spent quite a bit of time together, so the sheep wasn't as lonely as she might have been otherwise. But something was wrong. The lioness wasn't as affectionate towards the monkey as she had been when he had first visited, and things seemed strange between them. The sheep and the shark developed a liking for each other, and the lioness was not happy about it. She informed the sheep of the secret truth.

The shark and the lioness had slept together that night they met, and she had feelings for him, AND her boyfriend the monkey. With that information, the sheep was worried that her feelings for the shark would anger the lioness, so she downplayed them as a crush that would go away very soon. However the situation continued to escalate. The shark showed more and more attention to the sheep, and the lioness showed less and less attention to the monkey, though no one had told him why. The relationship between the sheep and the lioness strained further and further as the lioness grew more and more jealous.

As spring left, so did the virginity of the young and confused sheep. The foursome were at the shark's apartment late one night, and the monkey was tired and wanted to go home. The sheep wanted to stay, wanting to spend time alone with the shark, and aware of this, the lioness didn't want to leave. However eventually she relented, and went home with the monkey, and the sheep got her alone time, which went further than she had expected. She would later learn that the night she lost her virgnity was yet another night the shark and the lioness had "been" together as well, during a walk outside while the sheep and the monkey had been inside.

During this time the monkey of course suspected something was going on between his girlfriend and the shark, but by his later admission put the thoughts out of his head. Eventually the shark told the lioness of what he'd done with her friend, and she was very distressed by the news. Somehow the sheep and the lioness continued to be friends, but a new layer had infected the relationship. The lioness has angry that the sheep was taking away the attention of the man she liked, and the sheep was angry that she couldn't have the shark to herself, and found it unfair that the lioness had two people to like her. This anger was of course spawned from jealousy, which grew with every passing day.

A few weeks later, came the county fair, and the group, including a few other friends, were all going to go together. The day however, was not as lighthearted and fun as it might have been, for the monkey had finally learned of what was going on. The lioness had drafted a letter about her secret, then changed her mind and thrown it away, and it was found by the monkey. He was angry beyond words, though not really at the lioness. Mostly he was angry at the shark, who had seemed like a friend, and had done this behind his back. For some reason, the trip to the fair proceeded anyway, though it was a stressful and awkward day. The shark, the lioness, and the sheep all decided to go on the ferris wheel later in the day, because it was the only ride the sheep liked to go on. As the wheel went around, the shark and the lioness sat together, and much to the dismay of the sheep, began to kiss, unseen by the monkey, who waited below. Trapped, the sheep merely sat and watched, as the man she liked and her best friend were so affectionate with one another. She didn't protest at all, though this event would cause her to avoid going to the fair, even years later.

At the end of that night, the sheep asked the shark if she could come home with him. In a way, she wanted to erase the memory of the ferris wheel by spending time with him. They had a pleasant enough time, and her jealousy abated until the morning. As the sheep and the shark lay in bed talking the next day, the sheep heard her name called from the outside of the shark's apartment. It was the lioness. The sheep was angry of course. Couldn't she have time alone? Did the lioness have to ruin everything? She said none of this of course, and whatever the lioness was feeling about the sheep was not said either. They acted as best friends, and talked and laughed. When the shark was out of the room, the sheep thought it would be funny to switch shirts to see how long it took the shark to notice, so they did. The small joke went over well enough, and for some reason the three decided to take a rest. The three lay in bed, an awkward situation for the sheep of course, made worse when the shark and the lioness began to kiss. She was horrified. Didn't her feelings matter? Did no one care how she felt about the shark? Did they realize she was still lying in the small twin-sized bed with them? She grew even angrier when she felt the shark's hand on her as well. Did he think he was going to just make out with one girl, and grope her friend at the same time? Who did he think he was? With that anger the sheep finally got off the bed, but still she kept her thoughts to herself, and merely left the room for the moment. When she came back, their actions had escalated, and the lioness came very close to having sex with the shark, while wearing the sheep's clothes. Later the sheep would get rid of the shirt, because she couldn't stand the thought of wearing it ever again. She would look back on the experience as one of the worst ever.

Of course she wasn't blameless. A similar situation occured at some other time, when the shark and the sheep were in the sheep's bedroom, and the lioness decided to come by. The sheep told her to play on the computer downstairs while they napped, but it was probably obvious what they were really doing. The sheep and the shark had sex four times, and the shark even joked about giving the used condoms to the lioness. Things always seemed different on the other side of things, when the sheep was getting what SHE wanted. Always she told herself it was ok, after all the lioness was cheating on her boyfriend still, but the sheep and the shark were both single.

These types of moments continued, but generally the lioness remained the favorite. Her boyfriend stayed with her, and the shark decided he wouldn't be with the sheep anymore, as he wanted to please the lioness. This did not last, and the strained relationships between all four continued for a couple more months.

At some point things broke apart somewhat. The monkey and the lioness got married, because he needed a marriage to stay in the country, and the lioness still wanted him with her, and she saw less and less of the shark. The shark and the sheep had their time together, and the sheep and the lioness continued their friendship, though it was permanently damaged.

Meanwhile, the shark was seeing other women. The sheep's learned jealousy made things worse and worse, and she seemed to lack the ability to just walk away, despite his waning affections for her. On new year's eve, he called the sheep to let her know he didnt want a relationship. This crushed the sheep, and for that day on, she would hate New Year's Ever. She begged him to reconsider, but he did not, though he asserted he wanted to remain friends. Eventually the shark met a woman he wanted to see exclusively, and in the late winter, gradually stopped seeing the sheep altogether.

Through the next year, things got somewhat back to normal. Without the shark around, the lioness and the sheep were getting along better, but the lioness became more and more distant from the monkey. Their relationship would never recover, no matter how much the monkey wanted it to.

Occasionally the sheep would hear from the shark on the Internaught. He moved in with his girlfriend, and seemed very happy with his life, though by the beginning of the next year, he was losing interest and ended the relationship midwinter. A free man once again, he decided he wanted to spend time with the sheep again; a pattern that would persist through his future relationships as well. The sheep though nervous, agreed and the two began to spend time together again. Her feelings for the shark returned, as did her jealousy as he started seeing other women again. She would complain and they would fight, but what could she really do? They weren't a couple, and she didn't want to be without him altogether.

Things for the sheep got worse in that year, as the lioness decided to start seeing the shark again. When she found out, the sheep was destroyed. It was all happening again...but she felt at least they weren't sleeping together, or so she thought. When another friend heard the sheep express her relief about that, she reluctantly informed the sheep that she knew in fact that they had slept together at least once again. The sheep was livid, and stormed off the the shark's apartment. When she arrived, she raised her fist, ready to strike the shark as hard as she could. As he ducked, the sheep realized she wasnt going to do it, and began to cry hysterically instead. The shark conceded, but rushed away the sheep as soon as possible, because he had a date. The sheep was angry that her distress didn't compel him to change his plans, but left anyway to catch a bus home. At the bus station she was surprised to see the lioness, also on a date with a guy who was neither the monkey nor the shark. She waved in a carefree way at the sheep, and got on her bus. The sheep was angrier than she thought possible. The lioness was cheating on her now husband and getting away with it, and the sheep wasn't saying anything. When the monkey found out about the shark and the lioness, he was destroyed as well, particularly because he knew that the lioness was out with this new guy at the same time, a guy who would a few months later father a child with the lioness, and eventually break things off with the lioness.

So it was, with the monkey living with a wife who was pregnant by another man. They argued daily, and he grew more and more miserable, yet remained complacent with what the lioness wanted, until he made enough money to move into his own place.

The sheep and the lioness had a falling out, and had very little interaction until the recent past.

The sheep and the shark remained friends, with sexual interactions occuring inbetween his relationships, though their relationship was also damaged and would eventually collapse into nothing over the next year or two. Her insecurity grew to epic levels, as did his apathy for her until she finally couldn't stand to be his friend anymore, and neither could he.

...and so dear reader, that is where my tale ends for now. I hope this clears up a bit on the mystery of why I am the way I am... and I hope I told the story in an entertaining way.

Why do birds suddenly appear...

2007-09-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

I ventured out into the morning today. There were birds chirping... bluejays, and nondescript young birds... the sun was shining with a non-threatening warmth... It was cold, but not in a bad way... It was quite the pre-autumn morning.

I found it rather disturbing. Too bright and cheerful and kind for my tastes I think. Like some sort of deceitful person, who might lull you in with good looks and kindness, but wishes you only ill.

I think I've been staying indoors too much.

^.^ me trying to be purdy.

2007-08-29T01:20:00.000-07:00

Glitter, glitter, shine

2007-05-16T05:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes now I think of myself as fairly dead. When I go out into the world for whatever reason, it's bright, and loud, and there are too many people. I feel more uncomfortable than ever.

The good news is, I'm starting to feel pangs of creativity again. I've churned out a couple of cutesy drawings... and there's a couple concepts I'm trying to force myself to start. One involving the above sentences... something high contrast... an ugly dark figure in a bright beautiful world or something...

2007-01-03T01:27:00.000-08:00

I worry that I will never love myself enough to go free.

trash

2006-12-15T19:48:00.000-08:00

The end of the line is paved with rubies stolen from my private stores. I could swear that no one else had the combination to the safe, but there was no forcible entry and it's open clear as day. I was never rich, but at times I had all I could ever need, until the day I sold nearly all my fortune for a chance to roll in the mud.
I once bathed in a tub lined with the most beautiful hazel and emerald jewels, but the stones that surround me now are nothing but gray, there is no color save for the rubies that pave my way.

Closer.

2006-11-22T06:58:00.000-08:00

When I find myself watching a movie with quick and clever dialogue, I can't help but wish my life were the same. I rarely have clever and quick exchanges. Every so often I have those I suppose, mostly when speaking with Adrian, and those moments although insignificant and fleeting and forgettable, mean something dear... like some sort of quick break from the everyday mundane, and the incessant drivel that is constantly playing in my mind.

Then there are the things I see where love is so openly expressed and returned, and sexuality is so openly expressed and returned, and I ache for a life that doesn't exist for people like me, who live in their heads and blame others for their shortcomings. I crave the epic love and epic lines that nearly never mirror true life.

...most of all really, in this night that is even now giving way to hidden sunlight, I'm just thinking about Zach. That's not so surprising.

I lack an abscence of confusion...(what??)

2006-11-18T06:54:00.000-08:00

I feel ...tired. There's the word. I feel there's a lot lacking in my life, though I can take responsibility for that. I think on some level I've always been like this, but when ever I become aware of it, it seems fairly new...like maybe something that developed within the last few months... I guess that's one of the things that comes along with poor memory.

Anyway, I had a moment of sort of sleepy happiness the other day... it was nice, the Shark was holding my hand in a gentle sort of way, and regardless of the reasons for him doing so, I felt better than I had in a million years/ a day... just thought I'd share that with someone/no one

2006-10-31T04:53:00.000-08:00

//BEGIN INCESSANT BABBLE// i just spent two hours throwing stuff away for more or less no reason... I was absentmindedly wondering where my pastels were(it just now occurs to me that they're in a drawer on the opposite side of my room)...and somehow I ended up "cleaning" things. Generally I don't clean in the sense that I remove clutter... I usually just kind of throw away soda bottles and tissues and bandaid wrappers and other garbage and move old dishes downstairs.... Really if anyone came in my room they wouldn't really realize I've done anything... in fact since there are more garbage bags in my room now I bet my room looks somehow messier... anyway I decided to trash a bunch of old notebooks and sketchbooks that I never look through...I don't think I trashed any masterpieces of art or literature so I'm fine there... Of course that was just the old notebooks and sketchbooks on my bookshelves... I have boxes of the same in the corner of my room that merely collects dust, and boxes of much much older sketchbooks and notebooks in the hall closet... Maybe someday those will go too...well... most of them... some things I just can't seem to throw away. I have scores of old photos that only bum me out but I can't seem to throw most of them away... oh well... it's a slow process...

argh... I hate when I 'clean' this part of my room... I always pile non-trash on my bed as I work through stuff, which means if I get tired of doing so, which I did...I have to move all the stuff back to wherever it came from first...

...anyway even though feng shui if probably bullshit, I think the state of my room can accurately reflect the state of my mind... so perhaps altering the room can alter my mind?? then again since as I said before nothing has changed in the room... nothing has changed in here either ((points to head)) \\CEASE FIRE\\

2006-10-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was fairly drunk after the first two beers last night... I ended up drinking nine altogether... It's disgusting how easy being drunk is... how simple it makes things ...

Crap from the past

2006-09-25T02:54:00.000-07:00

I found some stuff I wrote like 7+ years ago and thought it was cute... I can't remember my inspiration for any of this stuff @_o; its just so cheesy and lovey dovey and I wasnt in love with anyone...so must have been media poisoning...

*1*

Is it December, or September?
I never can remember.
Ever since my own life let me down.
Am I awake, or am I sleeping?
Am I smiling or weeping?
Wishing that my next drink will let me drown?
Am I cold, am I burning?
Am I forever yearning?
Has it been too long since I've been whole?
What it me, or was it him?
Will I ever care again?
Why do i insist it was my happiness they stole?
Am I floating, am I falling?
Am I hurrying, or stalling?
Confused by life, I don't know what goes on.
Am I living, am I dying?
If I'm living, am I trying?
Or have I stopped trying for far too long?
Are my eyes opened, are they closed?
Will I ever know?
Or will I only ever see darkness all around?
Am I waking, am I dreaming?
Am I hoping for something redeeming?
Or am I terrified that I will be let down?

*2* --I thought this one was funny because I think this was a revenge poem for a nonexistent man...seeing as it says Anonymous... and oO;... I like it though...well some of it...

Dear Anonymous,

I loved you and I cried for you
I gladly would have died for you
I wept for you
I slept with you
Yet here I am today

I'm shattered
I am broken
My feelings
So unspoken
There is no hope for this little lonely girl

I dreamed of you in secret
I thought of you to your face
I longed for you to swoop down
To take me from this place

I'm shattered
I am broken
My feelings
So unspoken
So out of hope this lonely little girl

Now I'm older
I am wiser
No longer
Are my cries heard
So reluctant
To show my feelings
When they come to me
Kneeling
I look at them with cold eyes
And a face of stone

I'm shattered
I am broken
My feelings
So unspoken
Deprived of hope this lonely girl

Now I'm waking from a nightmare
And slipping into the dream
I've regained my hope
That's what it seems

I'm not shattered
I'm not broken
But my feelings
So unspoken
Tell of what I lost
When I lost my trust in this world
Now don't you cross

This older wiser girl

*3*

Today is a very important day in someone's life. Maybe someone you know.

Today someone will be born, someone will pass away, someone will be murdered, and someone will accidentally be killed.

Today a woman or girl will find out she's pregnant and feel that her life has been destroyed, while another woman or girl will find out she's pregnant and feel that she's never been happier.

Today someone's baby will die at birth, today someone will have a miscarriage, and today a baby will be born without a mother.

Today someone will die of hunger, of cancer, of aids related causes, of an allergic reaction.

Today someone will die in a car accident, and in a gun accident.

Today someone will be shot by a gun, not by accident, and someone will be stabbed, not by accident.

Today someone will commit suicide.

Today someone will commit a crime and get away with it.

Today someone will be charged with a crime they DIDN'T commit.

Today someone will be raped and not be able to life a normal life ever again.

Today someone will be raped and somehow find a way to move on and live life to the fullest.

Today someone will steal from someone in need.

Today someone else will give to someone in need.

Today someone will find money on the street when they really need it.

Today someone will find money on the street and spend it on something unhealthy.

Today a baby will say its first words.

Today a baby will learn to stand.

Today a baby will take its first steps.

Today a baby will gain teeth.

Today a child will lose its first tooth.

Today a child will be moved from a crib to a bed.

Today a child will have to start a new school for whatever reason(well probably not in america..cause well school's just about over).

Today someone will get their first kiss.

Today someone will get their last kiss.

Today someone will have sex for the first time.

Today someone will have sex for the last time.

Today someone will go see what will become their favorite movie.

Today someone is going to make the worst mistake of their life.

Today someone is going to make the best choice they've ever made.

Today someone will learn to drive.

Today someone will graduate.

Today someone will be dumped, and crushed over it.

Today someone will be dumped, and not care.

Today someone will meet the love of their life.

Today someone will marry the love of their life.

Today someone will marry the wrong person.

Today someone will divorce the wrong person.

Today someone will divorce the right person.

Today a spouse will be abused for what will be the first time of many.

Today a spouse will be abused for the last time.

Today someone will clean their room and uncover old painful memories.

Today someone will clean their room and uncover old cherished memories.

Today someone will rebel against their parents.

Today someone will get their first job.

Today someone will finally move out on their own.

Today someone will play their first video game.

Today is someone's 1st wedding anniversary.

Today is someone's 50th wedding anniversary.

Today someone will start showing signs of an eating disorder.

Today someone will shake an eating disorder.

Today someone will realize they're fine just the way they are.

Today someone discover they have amazing talent.

Today is someone's last birthday.

Today is someone's first birthday.

Today is someone's best birthday.

Today is someone's worst birthday.

Today someone will make a best friend.

Today someone will make a mortal enemy.

and for everyone today is the first day of the rest of your life. :)

Have a nice day.
-Celesie

Meme, Myself and I...again

2006-09-03T02:18:00.000-07:00

...well instead of posting the whole meme I'll just post a link to the other place I posted it.

Huh?

Clicky

Blink.

2006-08-21T01:42:00.000-07:00

I'm really quite tired... I would really like to sleep for a few days but I can see that I'm almost out of sleep aids. One dose left... I wish I had some old percoset lying around... some fairly innocuous substance that I could abuse for a bit.... none of the hard stuff... no heroin, mushrooms, crack, crank, speed, ecstacy, whatever... running low on brain cells as it is...

My consciousness blinks in and out now... I recall this feeling from the first time I was put under anesthesia for a minor surgery, and the soft odd fuzziness in my brain that was uncomfortable, but somehow I wanted to keep experiencing it.... that's what my brain keeps doing now, but it's much much quicker... the way electric lights flicker during a storm... it's from the zoloft that I ran out of... which, isn't the cause of my bad mood, which I was in days before I ran out... but is the cause of my brain having some sort of withdrawal.... it's amusing... because I would think withdrawals from anti depressants would cause something more terrifying than brain farts...

what am I talking about... I'm not even sure that I'm awake right now...
All these movies I was discussing last night are on television today, and if that's not a coincidence, then I must be sleeping and dreaming this whole thing...

Trapped

2006-08-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

...I've been kind of bummed the past couple days...and I've had some wicked heartburn...and just now I woke up for a pee break from sleeping...and my door knov wouldn't work. It's already kind of funky, I have to lift and close it if I want it to actually close or lock, and I have to lift it to get out.... but this time, the door knob just turned more than normal, and nothing happened...it wouldn't open... it was then that I noticed that there is no way to dismantle the door or the door knob from the inside, and I was trapped... I was frantically trying to open the door for what felt like forever... not because i had to pee, but because the prospect of being literally trapped in my room was just a little more than I could take being half awake and once again having heartburn... just as I was thinking I would have to yell for my brother's help, after about two minutes the door finally opened.

my hands hurt.

2006-08-14T01:41:00.000-07:00

A man walked through the world with rose-colored glasses. He lived without fear, without sorrow, without anger, but he did not live.

The cost of war.

2006-08-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

I was just conversing with an old friend. We only hung out once, but we talked alot on instant messanger before he joined the army. I believe it was last month that he told me that he shot someone in the head...he's a sniper... and today he told me that he was shot in the hand, and the rest of his team was killed in an attack, and that after his hand is repaired, he's going back, because he still has 6 more years in the army. I think that is so terrifying, I feel like crying and throwing up just thinking about it. I can't fathom having the strength physically and mentally to handle being in the army. Losing your friends, being the only one left...and knowing it isn't over...

It's too scary.

2006-08-03T02:02:00.000-07:00

The universe has decided I am ready to receive encrypted lessons.

2006-07-30T17:10:00.000-07:00

I love my friends like starburst candy and the ocean, but I'm concerned that I might be crushed under the weight of their sympathy x___x;;;;

Even in the rain, my humor is dry.

2006-07-14T01:49:00.000-07:00

It's warm and cold in my universe, and while I can't seem to feel the humidity or taste the air, I still long for the feeling of mist on my skin and strawberry ice cream on my tongue. I hear crickets but see dragonflies, whose wingbeats have no tempo. When I talk, I have no long strands of hair to twirl in my fingers, and so I fidget with the tangible auras leaking in from outside. The people outside are muttering to themselves, panicked and in a hurry. I look at my watch, and run out the door, stepping on a dragonfly on my way.

2006-07-05T01:41:00.000-07:00

I finally have a secret. :)

2006-06-30T16:15:00.000-07:00

Idea from: A New Fork In The Journey: My Favorite Kind of Meme
The rules as stated in the blog:
"The idea is that you answer all the questions by typing your answer into Google Image search and post the answer in the form of an image that comes up. For poetic license we’ll say you can choose from the first 10 results but the idea is, of course, to work with the randomness of the responses."

1.What makes you happy?

2.What are you most ashamed of in yourself?

3.Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

4.What is the first thing you remember?

5.What has gotten you through your darkest hour?

6.What did your parents' house smell like?

7.What is one word that you use far too often?

8.One word you associate with your best kept secret:

9.One word describing a recurrent theme in your dreams:

10.What disgusts you most in others?

11.One word that describes your first lover:

12.One word that describes your current (or last) lover:

What if god has low self-esteem?

2006-06-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

I had this thought about God and the creation of the current universe. Usually I don't capitalize God but since I essentially created this one, it can be a pronoun. Anyway...here is my creation story.

God was a being which existed and didn't know why. All that seemed to exist was a lonely mind and an endless string of thoughts and feelings which existed without words or the idea of words. With no reason to feel anything other than loneliness, all that God had was a stark emptiness which lasted for what may have been a second, a year, or forever. God did not have any strong concept of time, and it did not know how long it had existed, or why. Without a reason to exist, God began to experience a sort of self-hatred and feeling of unworthiness. In the struggle to accept itself, God began to experience a new aspect, creativity. Anything could have come first; words, sounds, complex ideas and feelings, but once these things were born within God, they took on a life of their own. Like an idea that comes to us for no conceivable reason, God began to experience/create things that are basic to us. When God discovered sight, it craved something to see, and stars were born. When God discovered sound, a wind rushed through the universe. When God discovered touch, it created heat in the stars, so it would have something to feel. In the heat of the stars, the loneliness and unworthiness would temporarily be burned away, giving way to more creativity and curiosity. When the stars were not enough to keep God from feeling alone, it began to create universe after universe, exploring every sense it had discovered. Some universes were merely an endless spectrum of colors or smells. Some universes were grand skies filled with what we might call angels, and some were filled with our other creatures of myth. Some universes existed in an inanimate sort of way, cosmic paintings created by an ethereal artist. In some universes, God experimented with its' own consciousness, and its' ability to evolve and be creative. Life forms infused with consciousness began to have their own ideas and creations, such as movement, language, and art. Every new idea became a part of God, and it began to feel more and more complete, and in turn it created more and more universes. It could watch if it wanted, plant seeds of change when it wanted, but tended to let its' universes grown and evolve as much as they could on their own.

In our world, a thing exists called a soul, a manifestation of the original Consciousness that seeks to alleviate perpetual loneliness and self-doubt by being creative and introspective. In this theory, we are all one, born from the same soul, all ultimately rushing to a particular goal. One goal may be to return to the original consciousness, which would occur in death, and possibly to recycle into one of God's universes.

Now I hate May AND June

2006-06-17T04:15:00.000-07:00

The weird thing is, of all the people I'm close to in my life...my mother seemed to be the most shocked. I cant remember the last time I actually cried on my mother like that. It was comforting, but I felt so young and so small.

sigh

2006-06-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

At some point I deleted my photo folder and didn't notice. I should make it a habit to check the recycle bin before I empty it I guess...but Im so mad at myself... I had photos from the coast...and hundreds of random others I had for sentimental/narcisssistic reasons... at least the few I forgot to add to the folder are still there x____x'''

Yggdrasil

2006-06-08T03:28:00.000-07:00

I hate the way you smell.
I hate the way you touch me whether I want you to or not.
I hate all the power you have over people.
I hate when I start to find myself wanting your approval.
I hate that you talk away all my issues with you, until I doubt myself.
I hate who you remind me of.
I hate that you're younger than me, and you don't respect me.
I hate that when you're angry, all fall silent.
I hate that what you say goes.
I hate what you've done to those who love you.
I hate that you will never change.
I hate that this all causes me rage.
I hate that I feel guilty for not liking you.

This all has nothing to do with me.

Fresh

2006-06-05T04:07:00.000-07:00

I still wonder what it's like to have blind faith. To believe something so truly that nothing can shake my beliefs. Nothing can change my mind. Even if that opinion was 'wrong' or hurtful, I wonder what it would be like to KNOW there is a god, or to KNOW there is no god, or to know with all your heart that there is more to life than the physical plane.

I want to remember what an untainted mind feels like. Before paranoia, doubt, betrayal, hate, jealousy, rage, self-destruction, and the concept of truly giving up snaked their way into my mind. That must have been a long time ago. Of course I suppose even as a child I had these thoughts, problems, and so on, but they were so much more frivolous. You hated someone because they broke one of your toys, or you were afraid of dogs because of something you saw on television when you were six. Those things don't stick with you the same way as hating someone because they broke your heart, or being afraid of dogs because once you were attacked by someone's badly abused dog after it escaped from its' home.

I want to be back in a time when everything was a big deal because it was momentous and special and new...now everything is a big deal because it's just another reason to be jaded and depressed.

Then again, I started being depressed in probably about the fourth grade...and the first time I cut myself on purpose was well before puberty. ... I remember being angry at myself when I did it...but I have no idea why now.

...anyway my mind is wandering. that's what these blogs are for I guess.

Frayed Pages

2006-05-17T04:13:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking about that bookstore dream again... I wonder what book my dream self is looking for. As far as I can tell the book would be old, and probably not common...because in my dreams I always look in used bookstores... the book is about something to do with the occult... I assume witchcraft but that's a pretty broad guess... I know alot of dreams are symbols of something else... but I think this one is a bit more literal...I wish I could figure out what book I want, and then how to get it.

2006-05-13T03:11:00.000-07:00

I've typed a blog post two times already and deleted it when I was done.

I tried abstracting my feelings, I tried stating them in a gentle sort of manner. I can't do it. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared of that night I hate. I'm afraid all the words inside of me are stuck. I tried to get them out a million times today and they won't come out because I'm scared.

2006-05-05T02:54:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm watching a piece of flea/fly paper and it's victims... On one hand...fleas are bad and cause pain, itching, and infection, especially in cute fuzzy cats living in the apartment, but its depressing. A couple of them are still moving in vain, trying to get free. I don't know how they die, or how fast...maybe they starve. It's like a come as you are graveyard. Do fleas have complex conscious thought? If so I wonder what they think about in the last minutes/hours. Probably "i should have jumped the other way." Actually there's a small spider there...and a house fly. Why was the house fly on the floor in the first place? It's kind of gross, all the little dead bodies. Oh well. I'm not even at my own house...it's not my flea paper...

At least you have your health...

2006-04-30T06:34:00.000-07:00

It seems at some point, stop-smoking television campaigns made a shift in approach, which I assume means this new direction will have a bigger effect on people. I'm bothered by this new direction. At some point stop-smoking ads talked about the health risks, long painful battles with cancer, dangerous effects on children who inhale second-hand smoke, and so on. But the latest commercials are focusing on...WRINKLES. "You should stop smoking because it will make you appear older." While this is certainly true, and I don't want society to promote the fear of death, it seems distressing that we've given up on appealing to people's common sense. Now the ads are appealing to the vanity of smokers. The idea that someone would be more likely to quit smoking due to the threat of wrinkles than cancer is just...creepy.

Nostalgie de la Boue

2006-04-20T18:31:00.000-07:00

You beg yourself not to do something, constantly...pleading...and then it happens anyway. Words fly out of your mouth and you hate yourself for it.

2006-04-13T02:11:00.000-07:00

Of all the few movies that make me want to collapse on the floor heaving great sobs, 'A Walk To Remember' gets to me the most...which seems silly, since the star is Mandy Moore...the pop singer...but the story really is touching. The kind of movie that makes you think "I'd be ok with dying a 18 if I could spend a year with that kind of love."

...

2006-04-12T06:13:00.000-07:00

I've heard of expirements where scientists hook up a piece of food of some sort to some wires and whatnot, and when the labrat bites into it, they receive a shock. After one or two shocks, the rat would learn not to bite into that piece of food.

I lack the intelligence of a labrat. It makes me angry.

Ipsissima Verba -- Omne Ignotum Pro Magnifico

2006-04-07T04:22:00.000-07:00

Seven words could unravel the very fabric of my universe. Nobody knows them but me. Destroy my world. Utter my name and crack my reality wide open.

2006-04-06T04:24:00.000-07:00

Hold my hand...

Close your eyes...

Dive with me...

read me

2006-03-31T00:24:00.000-08:00

I still have the recurring dream of the occult book that I can't quite get to.... It drives me nuts. Everytime I have that dream I think that I'll get to the book in just a moment...I get too distracted by other things. That's just GOT to mean something.

I ache for my inspiration.

2006-03-17T12:24:00.000-08:00

I think when I was younger I had alot to say, and no one to say it to. But now I have all this stuff inside me, and I can't make heads or tails of any of it...

I'm sorry about how my life has turned out. There are relationships that are broken, and I wish I'd been more careful, more intelligent, more understanding in the past, because maybe things would have gone differently. There are relationships that I held on to for far too long, and they destroyed some of the best in me.

When I was 17, and 18, I used to love clouds. My Na'cha've used to tell me on the phone about the incredible feeling he got from just watching the beauty of the ever-changing landscape in the sky, and after a while, I began to really understand what he meant. I would spend my bus rides to class staring out the window in absolute ecstasy, gazing at the different shapes and colors of the clouds in the sky. Every different texture was mesmerizing, and it was difficult to tear my eyes away. It was the most intense bliss I can remember. Soon, the feeling spread to looking at the myriad of colors in trees, in flowers, and so on. It was wonderful. But further into my 18th year, my soul just up and died. I lost what was most precious to me, though at the time I didn't realize it. I lost the clouds. Losing my Na'cha've, trust, friendships, was all hard, but losing the clouds was such a great wrong. I feel like now I have no inspiration.

I guess I can't get most of it back. I might never speak to my Na'cha've again, I'll never be friends with Rebecca again, and I might never trust a friend or lover. But if I could just open myself up to the sky again, it would be a great start.

Burned

2006-02-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

I woke up next to the enemy
To find I was missing a part of me
All I had left
To remember my name
Was a feeling of doubt
Of loathing and shame
I recovered all my anger
For myself and for them
But without any answers
To escape from within
When I've broken down
When all is lost
When I swear my vengeance
At any cost
There'll be a hole in my world
Shaped like hate
An emptiness
I will never escape
Do I take some action
To defy the past
Do I fall in line
Do I come in last?
Which is more important?
Being on top
Or being on the level?
Having some revenge
Or living with myself?
When I touched my anger
I cursed and cursed
And whatever happened
I blamed myself for the worst...

True Ugliness

2006-02-22T07:34:00.000-08:00

At first the conversation amused me...but after a while it got me down about human nature, and my appearance in general. I mean the photo in question is severely dated...but I still look like that.... anyway. not going to post all the text. just going to post a link to my LJ entry.

Click here and share my pain

2006-02-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

On Tuesday morning, I decided to go for a walk...since it was 8 or 9ish, and i hadn't gone to sleep yet... as soon as I walked outside it started to sprinkle...the air was cold, and as the rain drops started to freeze, I thought how much I missed snow...and how much this freezing rain reminded me of snow... as I walked further it really did start snowing... I felt a sense of child-like wonder fill me, and held my hands out, and smiled as I walked... it was the best moment I'd had in a while.

just thought i would post that...

2006-02-05T05:02:00.000-08:00

God damnit I fucking hate talking to brick walls. I hate it when people don't fucking listen to my words. MY WORDS MEAN NOTHING, I GET IT. One man knocking me down far lower than I deserve, one man acting like I'm some sort of fucking great girl who is just too good for him. Don't my feelings matter?? I AM NOT A FUCKING PUNCHING BAG, AND I AM NOT TO BE USED AS A TOOL OF SELF DEPRECIATION!!! Fucking hell. I lost my god damn spine a long time ago, and the minute I get it back, the SECOND I get my fucking courage back, I am going to have alot to say. Unless I'm wrong. Am I wrong here? Do I have an incorrect impression of what's going on in my fucking life? I'm getting blamed for when I get treated like shit, I'm getting blamed for when others feel like shit ON THEIR OWN, what the fuck did I do?

Oh my fucking god, I don't even know how to explain how upset, and angry, and low I feel. I'm so fucking tired of this. I wish the tables would turn.

unfinished

2006-02-05T04:23:00.000-08:00

I'm going insane. If I don't write, I'll crack. I used to be like this. That 's why I have so many really bad poems from a few years back floating around my room. Bad poetry is cathartic.

Open your eyes
I've fallen through the ice
Into a cavern of your nightmares
Who know me by sight

I'm drowning inside
Underneath the ice
Locked alone with demons
All waiting to strike

I'm armed with a compromise
If they take my life
Maybe I'll escape
In some form I'll survive

Breaking out of the ice
A body consumed
Explodes like a phoenix
Screaming fire

Inside

2006-02-03T04:22:00.000-08:00

I unearthed a bad feeling a few days ago. The feeling, is of course tied to a bad memory. It hasn't gone away...it clings to me like some sort of grease I can't seem to scrub off. Every so often I feel the familiar lump in my throat, and tears starting to form, but I can barely cry. I don't understand why it's hurting me so much. I numb my mind with my computer games, and my tv, but I only really feel any peace when I'm playing with my cat. Sleep offer no solace, of course. When you bottle stuff inside, that's where it will wreak havoc. I wish I were someone who deserved better. I wish I could feel, or know I have worth. Everyone needs to feel that, right??

2006-01-31T02:09:00.001-08:00

Well I've been hibernating for nearly two months now, with no end in sight... I guess without college I never did have much of a life. Before I got my GED I was just as reclusive...
I don't ever really do...or WANT to do much beyond watching tv or playing computer games... but I'm not even depressed. Just disinterested.

It's a shame though, because I have ALL this free time, and a gazillion art supplies, and I am profoundly, severely, utterly uninspired. I'd go off the zoloft and see if that helps if it wasn't for the part where I'd go all broody.

But I still do enjoy the company of my friends... I was thinking about it last night...and the presence of my weekly hangout with Shayne/Justin/Adrian actually makes me happy, and smile, and blah blah blah... etc... So it's not like I'm dead.

...also apparently I still have enough in me to go out and get drunk with a certain pisces and try my damned-est not to fall over and whatnot in public, which was surprisingly a whole lot of fun...

anyway...
It's peanut butter jelly time.
seriously.
im hungry.

baby steps

2006-01-23T08:01:00.000-08:00

I decided that since it was 7:30, and I was still awake... I would try jogging...I can't run very far without getting winded and overwhelmed...So for the most part I was walking... I was only out for 20 minutes...and a few of those were spent on a park bench watching geese..

I'm still proud of myself though...even though it's not a big thing...
I think if I can go out and do the most minute amount of exercise for the PURPOSE of exercising... maybe I can do the same thing on another day.

Anyway my cat is starting to try and sleep on the keyboard...id better go to bed...

2006-01-19T05:21:00.000-08:00

Not only is Soylent Green people, but I have in on good authority that it contains MSG.

One of the ways I lost myself

2006-01-11T06:16:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last few weeks in a comfortable zoloft-induced numbness, and all of a sudden it stopped a few days ago. Things are starting to bother me again...My memories are suffocating me again... One in particular tonight, or I guess this morning, as I'm trying to sleep...I don't know why, and right now, I don't care. I just want to get it out.

It had been an uncomfortable day at best. Her boyfriend finally had confirmation that she was cheating, and with who, and he was quite angry. Yet somehow, we all ended up going to the fair together. It waas worse than just knowing the secret, because now as we walked around and chatted, there was a gigantic violent elephant walking with us, that we all struggled to ignore. We rode the ferris wheel, the lion, the fish, and I. What a bad decision that was on my part. I had to spend what felt like an eternity watching them hold hands and kiss while her boyfriend stood below watching the wheel go around. I remember hoping he couldnt see what they were doing, and at the same time wanting him to see it, and say something, and break the ice. It didn't happen though, and when the horrible night was finally over, all I wanted was to be alone with the fish and pretend nothing else was going on. So I walked with him to his home, we talked, we slept, I don't really remember if anything else happened before that...

The next morning I was feeling comfortable and content. I was next to him, it was nice, and the lion wasn't there, no one else was there. We played with eachother's hands and talked, until a dreadful unexpected sound came to my ears, and it was the lion's voice from outside. "DOOOOOOMAAAAAA!!!" She'd come to the apartment...because she knew I was alone with him. She'd left her boyfriend at home, and gotten a ride into town because she knew I was alone with him. I wanted to pretend we weren't there, but the fish let her in, and we all acted like pals with know skeletons in the closet.

The weirder part was later. For some reason, the lion and I had switched clothes, I think just for the novelty of confusing the fish, but now we were all lying in his small bed. I have no idea why the three of us were lying there, I wish I had just gone in the other room. I closed my eyes...I felt his touch...I could also feel him trying to keep my head from lifting up. I guess on some level he didn't want me to see. I could anyway...he was kissing her...they were kissing and I was lying right there, suddenly appalled by his touch, and I felt part of something so dirty and disgusting that to this day I still feel sick and teary thinking about it.

It felt so wrong, and I felt so unbelievably low, and meaningless, and lonely, and angry, and I just wanted to run away.
I did get up finally, hoping maybe it would stop...and I walked out of the room. When I came back in, she was stradling him, in my clothes, kissing him, and if I remember correctly he was pulling her bra off.
Feelings of horror intensified.
I dont remember what happened after that... obviously at some point we went on with out lives and I shifted the day into my vault of horrible memories.

I feel like I just can't get over how low and scummy and worthless that moment made me feel. If my "best friend" and the man I'd come to care deeply for could do that not only in front of me, but BESIDE me, knowing how I felt...then I must not be worth much at all.

...Ok...I've typed that out. Maybe I can get to sleep.

Big Plume

2006-01-02T03:11:00.000-08:00

Years and years ago, when my world was full of the pain of adolescence, when I thought my lonely little existence was the worst...that things couldn't get worse, that no one understood me... that I had no qualities whatsoever... My Na'cha've, told me that I had to fight hate with love.

I need to remember this...not just fighting the hate/anger/jealousy/mistrust I have for others...but all that I have for myself... :| with love. I used to think it was such a hokey thing to say... but everyone knows deep down that it is far easier to hate than to love...

I am eternally grateful to him for all the wise lessons he gave to me when I was too stupid/selfish/stubborn to understand, and now I only wish I could remember them...

2005-12-21T22:23:00.000-08:00

I miss SMU, and I miss Dave. I feel like crying.

2005-12-20T00:44:00.000-08:00

I touch the bruise on my neck, where teeth met flesh. A sensation barely recognizable as pain or discomfort creeps up on me, but it doesn't feel so bad. It's horrible I'm sure, but I touch that spot because it's a memory of you, it's proof you were nearby. Now I understand.

You're a wonderful and comforting pain in my neck.

2005-12-14T01:16:00.000-08:00

The red man I stare at through a foggy window looks too much like someone I know. Feels too much like someone I am. He has a lonliness that sucks the light out of a room, and I'm afraid I do too. I feel I did something wrong to him because I knew him and held him and never connected, never whispered that I cared about him, but he always told me he cared for me. I see him as weak, the way I see myself as weak. I want to comfort him the way I want to comfort my self. I want to run and hide.

I miss my mohawk :(

2005-12-05T01:02:00.000-08:00

History in the making

2005-11-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

Okay.
My last project for my graphic design class was SO bad, I actually got a G+.

A G. Plus.

The instructor has a quirky sense of humor, I'll give him that.

---So...I'm dropping out of college for at least the next year...
I'm going to need to get a job...
...and hobbies.

I don't want to be a waiter!!

2005-11-18T23:41:00.000-08:00

I saw mirrormask with my friends tonight. Very cool. The flying fish gave me the creeps though, because it was a concept my friend and I have gone over in great detail in the past...about how creepy that would be, problems arising from it, etc...

I must be dreaming.

Grave

2005-11-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

I watched the world through a sea of lies
I lost my edge
I lost my will to go on
I spent my days in a quilted tomb
I watched the sun come and go
Through eyelids sealed shut
Red burning through my skin
Words tumbled from my lips
They made no sense even to me
But they were not made to deceive
When I was living
My words burned through others
Corosive
I sailed along the sea of lies
I brought buckets of my own to contribute
My tongue was dusty by the end
Gritty and grainy
Sifting away like sand through my fingers
Dissolving in a sea of lies
I have no words left to say
I have no faith
On a bed lost in a sea of lies
I watch my life go by

2005-11-09T11:52:00.000-08:00

Bipolarity.

For the too-quiet moments of your life.

Meow Mix

2005-11-08T10:24:00.000-08:00

about my cat...

My cat is my soul-mate. Not in a romantic movie sense of course, but rather she is the essence of me. She's a total spaz who wants attention, but is afraid of people. Somehow her markings make me think of her as a big cuddly moth. I call her my bug. She doesn't really catch that of course. After all, it took ages for her to understand that when I say "Lina," I am in fact referring to her. Now the trick is to teach her several other phrases, such as "just because the bigger/older cat is in the room, doesn't mean you have to abandon your food or your napping spot." Perhaps something shorter. Then again, maybe she does understand me. Perhaps when I pet her and ask "who's the best kitty in the whole world?" and she tries to eat my hand, that's her way of saying "I am." Somehow, my dear sweet cat grew up lacking a few personality traits common in cats... such as "courage," "territorialism," "sanity," things like that. She could spend a day sleeping in a nice comfortable spot she's found, but if my mom's cat comes in and wants the spot, all she need do is growl and possibly say something threatening in cat language that I can't hear, and Lina will flee miles away. The poor thing. I wonder how I would teach a cat to not tolerate bullying... Maybe I spend too much time thinking about my cat. But she's so cute... when I pet her and try to take my hand away, she lashes a paw out, claws and all, and grabs my hand to pull it back. ...Which is both precious, and rude. She gives me kitty kisses, which are so cute...I wish she didn't drool though...

anyway. just posting this for anyone who thinks all I ever think about is depression and pisceans.

Grievances...

2005-11-04T23:46:00.000-08:00

I've been given a new secret from someone who is not a friend. I'm extremely worried about this. Terrified, and angry that I'm so worried. Who am I supposed to confide in? My trust is a bit messed up at the moment. Everything is. I had a great night until the bottom fell out, and now all is real again.

I'm lonely, and I suspect my cat is only with me for the food.
I'm tired but I've had enough of epic dreams with mazes, and visits to places I've already dreamed... that I can't understand.
I'm gaining weight and I'm afraid to eat now, but food is comforting.
I'm doing badly in my classes but it's kind of hard to care.
My room is a mess.
I hate trying to find a job, because it only gives me more reasons to feel rejected.
I hate when I remember what I can be like on a bad day...that was a good day...when I have no reason to be down.

Not Good Enough

2005-11-04T23:38:00.000-08:00

I've heard that I'm too pushy.
That I'm clingy.
That I'm mean.
I've heard that I'm demanding.
And obsessive.
And obscene.
I've heard that I'm too sensitive.
Disrespectful
And I'm rude.
I've heard that I'm dishonest.
With a childish attitude.

When am I too wonderful?
Too special,
Or too sweet?
When am I too incredible?
Too original,
Too complete?

2005-11-03T15:29:00.000-08:00

I've freaked out several times this week...in the sense that I've had dramatic reactions to negative stimuli. Unfortunately, I'm supposed to go talk to my doctor about my medicenes some time soon...and she's going to have me fill out one of those god damn "are you crazy" surveys... I wonder if I should lie or not. Then again maybe what I should have is an upped dosage and I cant get that if I don't tell her it's not really helping.

...Maybe what I need is some anti-psychotics like Zach's neighbor said(in a non malicious way, mind you)

That would be an exciting adjustment period I'm sure.

I just realized this isn't any of my slightly poetic writing...oops.
Should I still post this?....

Claustrophobia

2005-11-01T21:02:00.000-08:00

I had a dream that the door was open. But as I stepped through it all went black, and once again I was laying on a bed of nails. My body was too heavy, the suitcases I cluthed in my arms were pushing me down. When I stood, life dripped from a thousand holes in my back. As I walked to the door again, the bags begame heavier and heavier, and I thought they could only aid me in my quest. So, with the bags in my arms, I threw myself against the door. It remained closed, and more bags fell from above. They buried me. I screamed knowing no one would hear me. The door opened, and someone began to pull the bags off my sobbing form. I thought I caught a glimpse of brown eyes and freckles.

First Love

2005-10-26T21:44:00.000-07:00

You are ethereal. You are ever changing. You are mesmerizing. You ascend and descend with such grace that my eyes burn with tears, and my soul burns with an almost comfortable longing. You make me wish I could fly up to touch you. You make me feel alive, you make me feel real.

...in case anyone is curious, this is a short ode to clouds.
Seriously.

2005-10-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

Give me war
Give me peace
Give me screams of sweet release

Yeah.

2005-10-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

I will never tell anyone
I want to cut until the pain is gone
I want to bleed until the sun sets
I want to sleep for as long as I can
I want to cry until my body is dry
I want to scream until my voice is gone
I want to beat my fists against the wall until my hands are broken
I want to grind my teeth until they shatter
I want to stand out in the cold until my hell freezes over
I want to kill until I am truly alone
I will never tell anyone.

Fire, Air, Water, Earth, and Spirit.

2005-10-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, I split myself into two people. Metaphorically of course. At first it was because I'd always wanted to be a comic heroine, and every good hero has an evil clone/twin/apparition. There was me, Celestive, based on my older screen name, and there was Eve. Celestive was me. Insecure, afraid, weak, etc, etc. Eve was angry. Eve was strong, powerful, determined. Eve had initiative. She also, in my kind, had red hair. Vampire red, not natural red. Which is why, when my mom bought me the red and black wig, I began to really see Eve as another me, or an extension of me. If I wanted to be strong, I'd have to be Eve.

At some point, I created another persona. Vivian. Vivian was fun, sexy, cheerful, etc. A positive and vibrant me. Vivian's hair color changed as my wig collection grew. So I had the awkward me, the strong me, the fun me.

Later, I created two more. Fayth, and Shen. Fayth was the creator, the mother. Fayth had purple hair. Then there was Shen. She was the destroyer, abscence, end, truth. Shen had straight black hair.

Sometimes I drew them, sometimes I tried to be them depending on the day I was having. Some people involuntarily create multiple personalities after traumatic events in their lives. I voluntarily created them to escape from myself.

They stopped being extensions of me, and in my mind were separate people. I never really like BECAME any of them though. It's too much work to trick myself into thinking I'm someone else, but I wished, I still wish that I could. But at least i had sort of names for the aspects of myself. The positive, Vivian. The negative, Eve. The creator, Fayth. The destroyer, Shen. Then there was Celestive. Sometimes I decided she/me was the awkward weak one, etc. Sometimes I decided she/me was the embodiment of all the others. The spirit point of a pentacle. ...the Voltron of my aspects.

and yet I'd rather be any of them.

2005-10-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

I feel fire, flames, burning flesh, burning hair, burning feelings.
It's desire,
anguish,
passion,
fear,
now.

This is not a metaphor.

2005-09-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

I long for the sensation of falling, but I dread the impact of the earth.

The Bog

2005-09-11T01:30:00.000-07:00

When I stop to consider death, late at night before I sleep, my senses involuntarily twitch, and reach out to feel it. It is a thing of darkest green, with air that is stagnant but not choking. There doesn't seem to be anything to touch, and it smells of mulch and fuel. It's too quiet...and it feels lonely. This scares me. This terrifies me. I don't ever want to be there, and I don't want anyone I know to be there...but there's no way to not go there. If I never accept that, I'll spend many nights on the verge of tears, and suffocating in my own terror. But I am always just before the edge of acceptance...No words of encouragement, or assurance will push me any farther.

I envy those of strong religious feelings, beliefs, and so on. A person KNOWS they go to heaven if they are good, or KNOWS that they will come back in another life to continue working out their karma, or they KNOW that when they die, that is the end and there is nothing after that. Whether or not any of them are right isn't the point, because there is no way to find that out...but to them, they know, and feel it through and through, and that sounds like such a comfort, that I will nevee be capable of experiencing.

2005-09-08T00:28:00.000-07:00

As humans we've made leaps and bounds in technology to make our lives easier. We created medicene to make our lives more healthy, we fashioned glasses so that we could see the world, we created telephones so we could always stay in touch, we created books, and music, and paintings to share ourselves with the world... But most of these modern things are unavailable to those without money... That's a bit depressing.

Burning my stage...

2005-09-07T01:18:00.000-07:00

People think I'm dramatic.
Those people are right.
I wonder what causes that? Boredom? Sometimes I think I'm so excitable and depressive and randomly manic because at some point long ago, when I was very young, I realized the futility and pointlessness of life, then simply blocked out the realization. Interesting thought. If I had that thought around the time I started getting depressed...which I would say, although unchecked for many years, started around the third grade... perhaps it put this dark cloud over my life...a cloud I distract myself from by subtly setting small destructive fires in my life, and in my mind.

Well, I'm getting tired of my mental arson.
I haven't yet gotten rid of the matches and lighters that I scorch with, but I'm getting tired of it. Maybe it's the medication, but I'm actually getting bored with drama in general. I didn't think I ever would. It's liberating, and yet it's depressing, because it makes my world seem all the more flat, bland, colorless... It might be time to burn my stage.

I'm all over the place with this entry, aren't I...
Well, I can't say that I think life has a point, but I guess letting it grow into something murky and chaotic and lonely makes it alot more pointless. Yeah.

Death is the International Symbol for Peace

2005-08-24T03:36:00.000-07:00

More Nonsense

2005-08-08T01:01:00.000-07:00

Trying to write ...differently I guess. Trying to reach inside myself. It's not very easy apparently. -- read on --

Blackened Burning Boiling Dripping
As I write this
I am slipping
Starving Choking Aching Shaking
Take it
Take me
I am breaking

Something inside me looks longingly at the stars
Something inside me cries
Somewhere beneath my feet I lie
Grasping up towards air and life
Wrapped in pity, wrapped in pain
Dying over what I wish to gain
As I wither at my will
As I fall my heart is still
Something burrowed in my body
Scrambles, screaming, to break free
Somewhere under a facade I've bought
Somewhere there is me

2005-08-05T02:58:00.000-07:00

What color is aberration? Does it have the shade of catharsis? (think non-literal)

Supernova

2005-07-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

There's a black hole in my world.
I suddenly felt the star explode, and now it's sucking my universe in.
My heart is sore.
My mind is restless.
My soul is lonely.
But my delta of self-perception is leaving me, pain and all.
Sucked into the black hole in my world.

I love you and I'm sorry.

2005-07-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

2005-07-16T17:20:00.000-07:00

If I cry, it all comes out.
The world which I fear, all I hold dear, in a river of bile and tears.

2005-06-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

I think what I want is to be seen, and for people to be happy to see me. Is anyone happy to see me? Am I happy to see myself??

A swing and a miss.

2005-06-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

When you swing the bat I can never tell if you're aiming at the ball or at my head. If you're aiming at the ball, then you've missed enough times to give me severe brain damage. Every time that bat connects with my skull, my thoughts become jittery and confused, rattling around in my brain like some song I can't get out of my head, and don't know the words to. The confusion is intense, and I mistake it for pain. Or am I mistaking pain for confusion?? When the little cartoon stars stop circling my head, I can't help but think how much getting hit in the head sucks. I get ticked off at you for not paying attention to what you're doing with that damn bat. I can tell you a million times, "don't you fucking hit me in the head with that bat," but it'll happen anyway. These strikes DO count.