Physical Therapy

 Coming to you from Celestive Eve Vivian Fayth Shen

I had my first physical therapy appointment "today" (it's 1am so not today anymore). I hated it. Just so much. It's a brief walk to get there, the building is too warm, the receptionist is VIRTUAL. The PT was trying too hard to fix me right in the first appointment. And I don't mean fix my back pain. She asked me what makes me happy. She talked about endorphins being better than antidepressants, told me i needed to go for a walk every day and make a list of ten things I'm grateful for and bring that to her. She told the non-virtual receptionist to schedule me for once a week without asking me if that was what I wanted. She called my doctor to do some sort of welfare check after I left because I guess my answers were concerning or something. 

I'm so bad about speaking up for myself, advocating for myself, especially when I'm essentially advocating for my desire to be less healthy. But it's too much. I don't even want to go back there, and I'm lucky the weekly appointments don't start until late May/June. 

I'm tired of appointments. I'm tired of getting a needle stuck in my eye every 8 weeks, I'm tired of talking to my PCP and getting nowhere because he prefers I work with specialists (physical therapy, psychiatry, nutritionist). I'm tired of the feeling I get when they tell me all the things I'm supposed to do and how easy it'll be for me once I get used to it. 

Right now all I want is to be left alone. I'm thinking about cancelling everything. I have so many appointments coming up in the next couple months. My primary provider, the pain management specialist from the clinic, the physical therapist, the dentist, the ophthalmologist. All this care that I'm so privileged to have access to and am afraid to lose and somehow simultaneously don't want anymore.

I'm not going to cancel the dentist appointments though. That would be insane, they schedule like 4 months out.