the color of esteem

*coming to you from: Celestive - Eve - Vivian - Fayth - Shen*

It turns out my mom is going to pay for most of the class I take, so that rocks... and mean I have to do it now, right? I'm thinking "Art Medium Sampler: Find your creative 'muse' by sampling five different one dimensional art mediums. Two weeks each of: colored pencils, pastels, acrylics, watercolor, and oil paints. This is a 'test before you invest' way to help you choose your favorite. All supplies provided some of which you may take home."

There's also that watercolor class...but it's ...at the senior center...which sounds like maybe not my cup of tea.

So I've felt lonely the past few days of course... but safer. A dangerous thought train, I'm sure.... but it's alot harder to get hurt by people if there's no people. But it's a trade off, isn't it. I've been talking out loud to myself alot more for one... THAT'S never a good sign. One nice thing was that an old friend I've always had some school-girl crush on said that he at some point had liked me... of course he was drunk at the time... and I'm pretty sure it was past tense... and it's not like we'd ever be skipping around the park hand in hand since one of us is in a relationship and the other one is insane. (...Which is which!?) .. But it's still soothing to my poor busted self-esteem.

Anyhoo. Just some more random crap. I'm trying to blog more. I figure that'll open me up some, and maybe lead to some outburst of orgasmic creativity at some point.

*coming to you from: Celestive - Eve - Vivian - Fayth - Shen *



I was so crabby tonight that I smoked a cigarette. It's such deviant behaviour unbefitting of a woman of my station. ...well ok not really but it did make me feel weird. Mmm nicotine. Plus the cigarette came from a pack I bought sometime early last year...so it wasn't "fresh" I suppose. I think I've smoked three in the last year. It doesn't do much for me.

I was in an off mood a bit ago so I drew on my scars with a bright red marker. I thought it might have the same effect as seeing my own blood... Uhh it didn't. Plus it's marker so it doesn't wash off as easily. It was worth a shot. I'm not going to cut myself tonight anyway. I had such a bad february(well bad in the sense of my own scary emotional rollercoaster) and I made it through without any new cuts... I'm kind of proud of that. But I really wanted to :(

I want to move away. I've sort of burned through the friends I had early on when I got here, and I don't know if I want to try making new ones. I feel like I should just go. But if I'm just going to stay in and not talk to anyone, I guess I don't need to move, do I. My mom said since I'm not really talking to any of my old friends I can just pretend I'm in a new city. Plus I don't have a job, so the only place I'd have to go to would be like with my grandparents/my father on the other coast. That'd be...weird.

So my mom suggested I take a non-credit class this spring... it sounds like a good idea... I could possibly socialize with people sharing a similar interest... learn a little... get out of my room once a week. But the classes are mostly 100+ dollars for the course... and nothing in the catalog really jumped out at me. I'm thinking maybe the "Expressionistic, Beginning & Intermediate" watercolor class...at least I'd already have the supplies. There's also a set of fashion design courses... and a fencing class... I haven't taken a fencing class in like 6 years... and a novel writing class...anyway so I'm considering all that.

I guess I've typed enough for now.