something not negative!

I drew a cutesy lil sketch, then inked and colored it... and my mom and my aunt both wanted it... that gave me warm fuzzies :)

Today I was originally schedueled to work from 6:30 to 2:30... I was able to shave off some of the hours with the shift giveaway system the company has, but I guess I didnt get rid of enough... after about 5 hours, I started to feel really (and this is the word I keep using) 'unglued' ... the more senile callers were frustrating me out of my mind.. my phone was at its max volume but too quiet, etc. etc. .. By the time I got home I was so agitated that I was nauseous and feeling pains in my arms and...teeth (O_o) .. I feel like a caged animal (although I caged myself) that released itself into the world and keeps flying into windows and powerlines.

Isn't that all very interesting? I'm going to try and make my shifts smaller I guess.. I wanted to make some decent cash for my Credit Card bill and to help with the electricity bill for the winter, but If I'm going to end up like this and the end of every day it's proooobably not worth i.

Oh well. I'm distracted right now by some traumatic movie called "Azumi"

I spent 2 hours today involuntarily thinking about nothing but zach. All the while going "quit it. QUIT IT. QUIT IT!! You're just bored. You're just fucking retarded." Ironically when the thoughts finally ceased I came home and my brother goes "oh yeah I saw Zach with some chick the other day" :( What a terrible brother I have. Terrible, terrible brother. I don't care though. Really. Zach hasn't bothered to see how I am, or to apologize for being a jackass the last time we talked...or apologize for ANYTHING...so who cares? Well zach, I'm FINE, and my brother thinks the girl you were with was too young for you, and that you look really OLD. HA!!


Ok it felt good to get that out. I know, pathetic ugly Dom-thoughts. Expect to see more of them in the next few weeks, as I have a seasonal job and being around people forces me to confront my thoughts...

Post #101

I've been dreaming this week about the people that didn't stick by me. In some of the dreams I'm full of rage and they're being so cruel. In some of the dreams things are normal like they would've been a year, two years, three years ago...

I have all this anger and unfinished business with all of them, but if one of them showed up at my door today, all I would do is make jokes and chit chat about what they've been up to. Movement is hard without a spine. One of my biggest phobias right now is running into one of them (two in particular) on the rare occasions I DO leave my home.

I was trying on clothes yesterday... it's almost unbelievable how big my body is getting. . . I guess when I stopped leaving my room, I forfeited my metabolism. I haven't been working, going to school, or socializing. I wish I could say "at least I'm getting some writing/drawing done." but I'm not. I have very little creativity.

I was thinking about how Zach used to be annoyed with how "bubbly" I was... If he saw me now I don't think he would have that complaint.

If I have virtually no friends, no job, no impact on the world around me, do I technically exist? At the moment, if I were to say drop dead, I can think of only three people whose lives would see any impact. ...and I have less and less contact with even those people. I don't even feel that compelled to change any of this... but I just know it's all wrong.

I know I have a palace of a home compared to most of the people in the world.
I know that if I'm overweight it's because I'm lucky enough to be overfed and lazy, a luxury not afforded to most of the people in the world. I know that many people lose the ones close to them through unspeakable deaths and pains... and I have the luxury of losing them primarily through emotional differences...

That doesn't change how I feel either though. In fact nothing seems to. I really wish there was some magical way I could just...download a different personality into this vessel I waddle around in. Some better version of me. Maybe I'll find a way to do that. If not, that might be a neat story to write.