I am a sheep.
Greetings, reader. Do you have some time on your hands, and a stomach for self-induldgent teenage drama? I wrote this to explain to someone...some of my emotional baggage, though not all. I know it seems like a series of small and silly events, but to me, it was much more. I've never been able to let go of the things that happened starting with the year I turned 18, and to be honest, reader, I hate myself for how I handled it all...in fact the following story explains a big part of my self loathing if you're paying attention.
This is the story of a lioness , a monkey, a shark, and me...the cowardly, cowardly sheep. It's a story of situations handled in the worst possible way by nearly all involved, and of what secrets and selfishness will eventually do to any sort of relationship. The story is of course biased towards the sheep, because I can only see what happened through her eyes.
If you were involved and think I was wrong, tough shit.
Once upon a time there were two young ladies, the lioness and the sheep. They were inseparable friends, and spent lots of time together, despite the sheep's tendency to stay indoors in her room. There were power struggles typical in relationships between young female friends, and one would feel hurt or bossed around, or used, but nothing that didn't eventually get resolved. The girls both possessed a social awkwardness, and had little experience with the opposite sex, until the sheep began spending alot of time on a magical medium that allowed her to talk with people anywhere. We'll call it the Internaught. Through the medium, the sheep became enamored with boys who lived elsewhere, so they could only be together as "internaught boyfriend and girlfriend," but since she didn't spend time with boys in her town, that was good enough for her. At first the lioness seemed to find this silly, but soon found she too enjoyed talking to people through the Internaught. However, she didn't understand the sheep's infatuations with people that lived far away, particularly because the sheep appeared to get too strongly infatuated. "I won't believe in love," said the lioness, "until it happens to me."
The sheep moved through a few of her Internaught boyfriends, but the situations were always full of confusing emotions, resulting in alot of tears and poorly written poetry. Her favorite, and last of the Internaught boyfriends, was a man from far north, in a magical land of universal health care. His name was Big Feather, who had a troubling past that had made him stronger rather than weaker like many people the sheep had 'met'. He had alot of spiritual wisdom he wanted to pass along to people, however the sheep was a very depressed girl, and she tended to reject, though admire, his positive outlook. Big Feather took affection for the sheep, and she for him, and he tried his best to help her out of her dark clouded shell.
Meanwhile, the lioness also took affection to a man from the Internaught, who also hailed from that magical land to the north. This was the monkey, a humorous and nice man who fell rapidly for the lioness, and eventually came to visit her during the summer. A short visit became a longer and longer one, as the lioness and the monkey wanted to spend more time together, but the monkey's father intervened, and came down to insist the monkey returned to his life in the north. The monkey reluctantly agreed, but promised to return when he had made enough money. Depressed, all the lioness could do was wait.
During this time, the sheep and the lioness squabbled more and more, each accusing the other of being too dependent on their respected northern loves. They also shared only one computer, which was the usual way they communicated with them. The computer was in the sheep's home, so she felt she had priority, and the lioness would often use it longer than the sheep wanted, and vice versa. The two remained friends however, though the relationship was becoming strained.
The next year, in mid-spring, preparations were being made. The monkey had made enough money to come back, and would be living with the lioness and her family. However something was amiss. The lioness had made a new friend on the Internaught, a shark who was somewhat new to the area, and was looking to make friends. They decided to meet, the day before the monkey would arrive. The shark, the lioness, the sheep, and another friend were all going to see a movie together about a teenager who was bit by a radioactive spider. It was a nice enough day, though the sheep and the other friend found the shark somewhat offputting. The lioness however, grew increasingly affectionate with the shark over the course of the day, and even offered her home for him to stay for the night. The sheep, and her family who also witnessed the exchanges of affection, were putoff, but let it go and went on with their business.
The next day, the sheep arrived home from college to find the lioness on her doorstep. The shark and the monkey were both there as well, one sitting behind her playing with her hair, the other sitting in front of her playing with her hands. The sheep shook off the awkwardness of the situation, and went on with her day and of course greeted the monkey who had returned at last.
Some small number of days later, the sheep had a bad conversation with Big Feather. Though he cared about her, and had tried to help her, he was giving up, and effectively had decided to end their Internaught Relationship on any sort of romantic level. Perhaps it was due to this new vulnerability that the sheep allowed herself to consider the shark in a different light. The four of them spent quite a bit of time together, so the sheep wasn't as lonely as she might have been otherwise. But something was wrong. The lioness wasn't as affectionate towards the monkey as she had been when he had first visited, and things seemed strange between them. The sheep and the shark developed a liking for each other, and the lioness was not happy about it. She informed the sheep of the secret truth.
The shark and the lioness had slept together that night they met, and she had feelings for him, AND her boyfriend the monkey. With that information, the sheep was worried that her feelings for the shark would anger the lioness, so she downplayed them as a crush that would go away very soon. However the situation continued to escalate. The shark showed more and more attention to the sheep, and the lioness showed less and less attention to the monkey, though no one had told him why. The relationship between the sheep and the lioness strained further and further as the lioness grew more and more jealous.
As spring left, so did the virginity of the young and confused sheep. The foursome were at the shark's apartment late one night, and the monkey was tired and wanted to go home. The sheep wanted to stay, wanting to spend time alone with the shark, and aware of this, the lioness didn't want to leave. However eventually she relented, and went home with the monkey, and the sheep got her alone time, which went further than she had expected. She would later learn that the night she lost her virgnity was yet another night the shark and the lioness had "been" together as well, during a walk outside while the sheep and the monkey had been inside.
During this time the monkey of course suspected something was going on between his girlfriend and the shark, but by his later admission put the thoughts out of his head. Eventually the shark told the lioness of what he'd done with her friend, and she was very distressed by the news. Somehow the sheep and the lioness continued to be friends, but a new layer had infected the relationship. The lioness has angry that the sheep was taking away the attention of the man she liked, and the sheep was angry that she couldn't have the shark to herself, and found it unfair that the lioness had two people to like her. This anger was of course spawned from jealousy, which grew with every passing day.
A few weeks later, came the county fair, and the group, including a few other friends, were all going to go together. The day however, was not as lighthearted and fun as it might have been, for the monkey had finally learned of what was going on. The lioness had drafted a letter about her secret, then changed her mind and thrown it away, and it was found by the monkey. He was angry beyond words, though not really at the lioness. Mostly he was angry at the shark, who had seemed like a friend, and had done this behind his back. For some reason, the trip to the fair proceeded anyway, though it was a stressful and awkward day. The shark, the lioness, and the sheep all decided to go on the ferris wheel later in the day, because it was the only ride the sheep liked to go on. As the wheel went around, the shark and the lioness sat together, and much to the dismay of the sheep, began to kiss, unseen by the monkey, who waited below. Trapped, the sheep merely sat and watched, as the man she liked and her best friend were so affectionate with one another. She didn't protest at all, though this event would cause her to avoid going to the fair, even years later.
At the end of that night, the sheep asked the shark if she could come home with him. In a way, she wanted to erase the memory of the ferris wheel by spending time with him. They had a pleasant enough time, and her jealousy abated until the morning. As the sheep and the shark lay in bed talking the next day, the sheep heard her name called from the outside of the shark's apartment. It was the lioness. The sheep was angry of course. Couldn't she have time alone? Did the lioness have to ruin everything? She said none of this of course, and whatever the lioness was feeling about the sheep was not said either. They acted as best friends, and talked and laughed. When the shark was out of the room, the sheep thought it would be funny to switch shirts to see how long it took the shark to notice, so they did. The small joke went over well enough, and for some reason the three decided to take a rest. The three lay in bed, an awkward situation for the sheep of course, made worse when the shark and the lioness began to kiss. She was horrified. Didn't her feelings matter? Did no one care how she felt about the shark? Did they realize she was still lying in the small twin-sized bed with them? She grew even angrier when she felt the shark's hand on her as well. Did he think he was going to just make out with one girl, and grope her friend at the same time? Who did he think he was? With that anger the sheep finally got off the bed, but still she kept her thoughts to herself, and merely left the room for the moment. When she came back, their actions had escalated, and the lioness came very close to having sex with the shark, while wearing the sheep's clothes. Later the sheep would get rid of the shirt, because she couldn't stand the thought of wearing it ever again. She would look back on the experience as one of the worst ever.
Of course she wasn't blameless. A similar situation occured at some other time, when the shark and the sheep were in the sheep's bedroom, and the lioness decided to come by. The sheep told her to play on the computer downstairs while they napped, but it was probably obvious what they were really doing. The sheep and the shark had sex four times, and the shark even joked about giving the used condoms to the lioness. Things always seemed different on the other side of things, when the sheep was getting what SHE wanted. Always she told herself it was ok, after all the lioness was cheating on her boyfriend still, but the sheep and the shark were both single.
These types of moments continued, but generally the lioness remained the favorite. Her boyfriend stayed with her, and the shark decided he wouldn't be with the sheep anymore, as he wanted to please the lioness. This did not last, and the strained relationships between all four continued for a couple more months.
At some point things broke apart somewhat. The monkey and the lioness got married, because he needed a marriage to stay in the country, and the lioness still wanted him with her, and she saw less and less of the shark. The shark and the sheep had their time together, and the sheep and the lioness continued their friendship, though it was permanently damaged.
Meanwhile, the shark was seeing other women. The sheep's learned jealousy made things worse and worse, and she seemed to lack the ability to just walk away, despite his waning affections for her. On new year's eve, he called the sheep to let her know he didnt want a relationship. This crushed the sheep, and for that day on, she would hate New Year's Ever. She begged him to reconsider, but he did not, though he asserted he wanted to remain friends. Eventually the shark met a woman he wanted to see exclusively, and in the late winter, gradually stopped seeing the sheep altogether.
Through the next year, things got somewhat back to normal. Without the shark around, the lioness and the sheep were getting along better, but the lioness became more and more distant from the monkey. Their relationship would never recover, no matter how much the monkey wanted it to.
Occasionally the sheep would hear from the shark on the Internaught. He moved in with his girlfriend, and seemed very happy with his life, though by the beginning of the next year, he was losing interest and ended the relationship midwinter. A free man once again, he decided he wanted to spend time with the sheep again; a pattern that would persist through his future relationships as well. The sheep though nervous, agreed and the two began to spend time together again. Her feelings for the shark returned, as did her jealousy as he started seeing other women again. She would complain and they would fight, but what could she really do? They weren't a couple, and she didn't want to be without him altogether.
Things for the sheep got worse in that year, as the lioness decided to start seeing the shark again. When she found out, the sheep was destroyed. It was all happening again...but she felt at least they weren't sleeping together, or so she thought. When another friend heard the sheep express her relief about that, she reluctantly informed the sheep that she knew in fact that they had slept together at least once again. The sheep was livid, and stormed off the the shark's apartment. When she arrived, she raised her fist, ready to strike the shark as hard as she could. As he ducked, the sheep realized she wasnt going to do it, and began to cry hysterically instead. The shark conceded, but rushed away the sheep as soon as possible, because he had a date. The sheep was angry that her distress didn't compel him to change his plans, but left anyway to catch a bus home. At the bus station she was surprised to see the lioness, also on a date with a guy who was neither the monkey nor the shark. She waved in a carefree way at the sheep, and got on her bus. The sheep was angrier than she thought possible. The lioness was cheating on her now husband and getting away with it, and the sheep wasn't saying anything. When the monkey found out about the shark and the lioness, he was destroyed as well, particularly because he knew that the lioness was out with this new guy at the same time, a guy who would a few months later father a child with the lioness, and eventually break things off with the lioness.
So it was, with the monkey living with a wife who was pregnant by another man. They argued daily, and he grew more and more miserable, yet remained complacent with what the lioness wanted, until he made enough money to move into his own place.
The sheep and the lioness had a falling out, and had very little interaction until the recent past.
The sheep and the shark remained friends, with sexual interactions occuring inbetween his relationships, though their relationship was also damaged and would eventually collapse into nothing over the next year or two. Her insecurity grew to epic levels, as did his apathy for her until she finally couldn't stand to be his friend anymore, and neither could he.
...and so dear reader, that is where my tale ends for now. I hope this clears up a bit on the mystery of why I am the way I am... and I hope I told the story in an entertaining way.
This is the story of a lioness , a monkey, a shark, and me...the cowardly, cowardly sheep. It's a story of situations handled in the worst possible way by nearly all involved, and of what secrets and selfishness will eventually do to any sort of relationship. The story is of course biased towards the sheep, because I can only see what happened through her eyes.
If you were involved and think I was wrong, tough shit.
Once upon a time there were two young ladies, the lioness and the sheep. They were inseparable friends, and spent lots of time together, despite the sheep's tendency to stay indoors in her room. There were power struggles typical in relationships between young female friends, and one would feel hurt or bossed around, or used, but nothing that didn't eventually get resolved. The girls both possessed a social awkwardness, and had little experience with the opposite sex, until the sheep began spending alot of time on a magical medium that allowed her to talk with people anywhere. We'll call it the Internaught. Through the medium, the sheep became enamored with boys who lived elsewhere, so they could only be together as "internaught boyfriend and girlfriend," but since she didn't spend time with boys in her town, that was good enough for her. At first the lioness seemed to find this silly, but soon found she too enjoyed talking to people through the Internaught. However, she didn't understand the sheep's infatuations with people that lived far away, particularly because the sheep appeared to get too strongly infatuated. "I won't believe in love," said the lioness, "until it happens to me."
The sheep moved through a few of her Internaught boyfriends, but the situations were always full of confusing emotions, resulting in alot of tears and poorly written poetry. Her favorite, and last of the Internaught boyfriends, was a man from far north, in a magical land of universal health care. His name was Big Feather, who had a troubling past that had made him stronger rather than weaker like many people the sheep had 'met'. He had alot of spiritual wisdom he wanted to pass along to people, however the sheep was a very depressed girl, and she tended to reject, though admire, his positive outlook. Big Feather took affection for the sheep, and she for him, and he tried his best to help her out of her dark clouded shell.
Meanwhile, the lioness also took affection to a man from the Internaught, who also hailed from that magical land to the north. This was the monkey, a humorous and nice man who fell rapidly for the lioness, and eventually came to visit her during the summer. A short visit became a longer and longer one, as the lioness and the monkey wanted to spend more time together, but the monkey's father intervened, and came down to insist the monkey returned to his life in the north. The monkey reluctantly agreed, but promised to return when he had made enough money. Depressed, all the lioness could do was wait.
During this time, the sheep and the lioness squabbled more and more, each accusing the other of being too dependent on their respected northern loves. They also shared only one computer, which was the usual way they communicated with them. The computer was in the sheep's home, so she felt she had priority, and the lioness would often use it longer than the sheep wanted, and vice versa. The two remained friends however, though the relationship was becoming strained.
The next year, in mid-spring, preparations were being made. The monkey had made enough money to come back, and would be living with the lioness and her family. However something was amiss. The lioness had made a new friend on the Internaught, a shark who was somewhat new to the area, and was looking to make friends. They decided to meet, the day before the monkey would arrive. The shark, the lioness, the sheep, and another friend were all going to see a movie together about a teenager who was bit by a radioactive spider. It was a nice enough day, though the sheep and the other friend found the shark somewhat offputting. The lioness however, grew increasingly affectionate with the shark over the course of the day, and even offered her home for him to stay for the night. The sheep, and her family who also witnessed the exchanges of affection, were putoff, but let it go and went on with their business.
The next day, the sheep arrived home from college to find the lioness on her doorstep. The shark and the monkey were both there as well, one sitting behind her playing with her hair, the other sitting in front of her playing with her hands. The sheep shook off the awkwardness of the situation, and went on with her day and of course greeted the monkey who had returned at last.
Some small number of days later, the sheep had a bad conversation with Big Feather. Though he cared about her, and had tried to help her, he was giving up, and effectively had decided to end their Internaught Relationship on any sort of romantic level. Perhaps it was due to this new vulnerability that the sheep allowed herself to consider the shark in a different light. The four of them spent quite a bit of time together, so the sheep wasn't as lonely as she might have been otherwise. But something was wrong. The lioness wasn't as affectionate towards the monkey as she had been when he had first visited, and things seemed strange between them. The sheep and the shark developed a liking for each other, and the lioness was not happy about it. She informed the sheep of the secret truth.
The shark and the lioness had slept together that night they met, and she had feelings for him, AND her boyfriend the monkey. With that information, the sheep was worried that her feelings for the shark would anger the lioness, so she downplayed them as a crush that would go away very soon. However the situation continued to escalate. The shark showed more and more attention to the sheep, and the lioness showed less and less attention to the monkey, though no one had told him why. The relationship between the sheep and the lioness strained further and further as the lioness grew more and more jealous.
As spring left, so did the virginity of the young and confused sheep. The foursome were at the shark's apartment late one night, and the monkey was tired and wanted to go home. The sheep wanted to stay, wanting to spend time alone with the shark, and aware of this, the lioness didn't want to leave. However eventually she relented, and went home with the monkey, and the sheep got her alone time, which went further than she had expected. She would later learn that the night she lost her virgnity was yet another night the shark and the lioness had "been" together as well, during a walk outside while the sheep and the monkey had been inside.
During this time the monkey of course suspected something was going on between his girlfriend and the shark, but by his later admission put the thoughts out of his head. Eventually the shark told the lioness of what he'd done with her friend, and she was very distressed by the news. Somehow the sheep and the lioness continued to be friends, but a new layer had infected the relationship. The lioness has angry that the sheep was taking away the attention of the man she liked, and the sheep was angry that she couldn't have the shark to herself, and found it unfair that the lioness had two people to like her. This anger was of course spawned from jealousy, which grew with every passing day.
A few weeks later, came the county fair, and the group, including a few other friends, were all going to go together. The day however, was not as lighthearted and fun as it might have been, for the monkey had finally learned of what was going on. The lioness had drafted a letter about her secret, then changed her mind and thrown it away, and it was found by the monkey. He was angry beyond words, though not really at the lioness. Mostly he was angry at the shark, who had seemed like a friend, and had done this behind his back. For some reason, the trip to the fair proceeded anyway, though it was a stressful and awkward day. The shark, the lioness, and the sheep all decided to go on the ferris wheel later in the day, because it was the only ride the sheep liked to go on. As the wheel went around, the shark and the lioness sat together, and much to the dismay of the sheep, began to kiss, unseen by the monkey, who waited below. Trapped, the sheep merely sat and watched, as the man she liked and her best friend were so affectionate with one another. She didn't protest at all, though this event would cause her to avoid going to the fair, even years later.
At the end of that night, the sheep asked the shark if she could come home with him. In a way, she wanted to erase the memory of the ferris wheel by spending time with him. They had a pleasant enough time, and her jealousy abated until the morning. As the sheep and the shark lay in bed talking the next day, the sheep heard her name called from the outside of the shark's apartment. It was the lioness. The sheep was angry of course. Couldn't she have time alone? Did the lioness have to ruin everything? She said none of this of course, and whatever the lioness was feeling about the sheep was not said either. They acted as best friends, and talked and laughed. When the shark was out of the room, the sheep thought it would be funny to switch shirts to see how long it took the shark to notice, so they did. The small joke went over well enough, and for some reason the three decided to take a rest. The three lay in bed, an awkward situation for the sheep of course, made worse when the shark and the lioness began to kiss. She was horrified. Didn't her feelings matter? Did no one care how she felt about the shark? Did they realize she was still lying in the small twin-sized bed with them? She grew even angrier when she felt the shark's hand on her as well. Did he think he was going to just make out with one girl, and grope her friend at the same time? Who did he think he was? With that anger the sheep finally got off the bed, but still she kept her thoughts to herself, and merely left the room for the moment. When she came back, their actions had escalated, and the lioness came very close to having sex with the shark, while wearing the sheep's clothes. Later the sheep would get rid of the shirt, because she couldn't stand the thought of wearing it ever again. She would look back on the experience as one of the worst ever.
Of course she wasn't blameless. A similar situation occured at some other time, when the shark and the sheep were in the sheep's bedroom, and the lioness decided to come by. The sheep told her to play on the computer downstairs while they napped, but it was probably obvious what they were really doing. The sheep and the shark had sex four times, and the shark even joked about giving the used condoms to the lioness. Things always seemed different on the other side of things, when the sheep was getting what SHE wanted. Always she told herself it was ok, after all the lioness was cheating on her boyfriend still, but the sheep and the shark were both single.
These types of moments continued, but generally the lioness remained the favorite. Her boyfriend stayed with her, and the shark decided he wouldn't be with the sheep anymore, as he wanted to please the lioness. This did not last, and the strained relationships between all four continued for a couple more months.
At some point things broke apart somewhat. The monkey and the lioness got married, because he needed a marriage to stay in the country, and the lioness still wanted him with her, and she saw less and less of the shark. The shark and the sheep had their time together, and the sheep and the lioness continued their friendship, though it was permanently damaged.
Meanwhile, the shark was seeing other women. The sheep's learned jealousy made things worse and worse, and she seemed to lack the ability to just walk away, despite his waning affections for her. On new year's eve, he called the sheep to let her know he didnt want a relationship. This crushed the sheep, and for that day on, she would hate New Year's Ever. She begged him to reconsider, but he did not, though he asserted he wanted to remain friends. Eventually the shark met a woman he wanted to see exclusively, and in the late winter, gradually stopped seeing the sheep altogether.
Through the next year, things got somewhat back to normal. Without the shark around, the lioness and the sheep were getting along better, but the lioness became more and more distant from the monkey. Their relationship would never recover, no matter how much the monkey wanted it to.
Occasionally the sheep would hear from the shark on the Internaught. He moved in with his girlfriend, and seemed very happy with his life, though by the beginning of the next year, he was losing interest and ended the relationship midwinter. A free man once again, he decided he wanted to spend time with the sheep again; a pattern that would persist through his future relationships as well. The sheep though nervous, agreed and the two began to spend time together again. Her feelings for the shark returned, as did her jealousy as he started seeing other women again. She would complain and they would fight, but what could she really do? They weren't a couple, and she didn't want to be without him altogether.
Things for the sheep got worse in that year, as the lioness decided to start seeing the shark again. When she found out, the sheep was destroyed. It was all happening again...but she felt at least they weren't sleeping together, or so she thought. When another friend heard the sheep express her relief about that, she reluctantly informed the sheep that she knew in fact that they had slept together at least once again. The sheep was livid, and stormed off the the shark's apartment. When she arrived, she raised her fist, ready to strike the shark as hard as she could. As he ducked, the sheep realized she wasnt going to do it, and began to cry hysterically instead. The shark conceded, but rushed away the sheep as soon as possible, because he had a date. The sheep was angry that her distress didn't compel him to change his plans, but left anyway to catch a bus home. At the bus station she was surprised to see the lioness, also on a date with a guy who was neither the monkey nor the shark. She waved in a carefree way at the sheep, and got on her bus. The sheep was angrier than she thought possible. The lioness was cheating on her now husband and getting away with it, and the sheep wasn't saying anything. When the monkey found out about the shark and the lioness, he was destroyed as well, particularly because he knew that the lioness was out with this new guy at the same time, a guy who would a few months later father a child with the lioness, and eventually break things off with the lioness.
So it was, with the monkey living with a wife who was pregnant by another man. They argued daily, and he grew more and more miserable, yet remained complacent with what the lioness wanted, until he made enough money to move into his own place.
The sheep and the lioness had a falling out, and had very little interaction until the recent past.
The sheep and the shark remained friends, with sexual interactions occuring inbetween his relationships, though their relationship was also damaged and would eventually collapse into nothing over the next year or two. Her insecurity grew to epic levels, as did his apathy for her until she finally couldn't stand to be his friend anymore, and neither could he.
...and so dear reader, that is where my tale ends for now. I hope this clears up a bit on the mystery of why I am the way I am... and I hope I told the story in an entertaining way.
posted by the prismatic puddle at 9:22 AM
1 ripples in the water
