Blink.

I'm really quite tired... I would really like to sleep for a few days but I can see that I'm almost out of sleep aids. One dose left... I wish I had some old percoset lying around... some fairly innocuous substance that I could abuse for a bit.... none of the hard stuff... no heroin, mushrooms, crack, crank, speed, ecstacy, whatever... running low on brain cells as it is...

My consciousness blinks in and out now... I recall this feeling from the first time I was put under anesthesia for a minor surgery, and the soft odd fuzziness in my brain that was uncomfortable, but somehow I wanted to keep experiencing it.... that's what my brain keeps doing now, but it's much much quicker... the way electric lights flicker during a storm... it's from the zoloft that I ran out of... which, isn't the cause of my bad mood, which I was in days before I ran out... but is the cause of my brain having some sort of withdrawal.... it's amusing... because I would think withdrawals from anti depressants would cause something more terrifying than brain farts...

what am I talking about... I'm not even sure that I'm awake right now...
All these movies I was discussing last night are on television today, and if that's not a coincidence, then I must be sleeping and dreaming this whole thing...

Trapped

...I've been kind of bummed the past couple days...and I've had some wicked heartburn...and just now I woke up for a pee break from sleeping...and my door knov wouldn't work. It's already kind of funky, I have to lift and close it if I want it to actually close or lock, and I have to lift it to get out.... but this time, the door knob just turned more than normal, and nothing happened...it wouldn't open... it was then that I noticed that there is no way to dismantle the door or the door knob from the inside, and I was trapped... I was frantically trying to open the door for what felt like forever... not because i had to pee, but because the prospect of being literally trapped in my room was just a little more than I could take being half awake and once again having heartburn... just as I was thinking I would have to yell for my brother's help, after about two minutes the door finally opened.

my hands hurt.

A man walked through the world with rose-colored glasses. He lived without fear, without sorrow, without anger, but he did not live.

The cost of war.

I was just conversing with an old friend. We only hung out once, but we talked alot on instant messanger before he joined the army. I believe it was last month that he told me that he shot someone in the head...he's a sniper... and today he told me that he was shot in the hand, and the rest of his team was killed in an attack, and that after his hand is repaired, he's going back, because he still has 6 more years in the army. I think that is so terrifying, I feel like crying and throwing up just thinking about it. I can't fathom having the strength physically and mentally to handle being in the army. Losing your friends, being the only one left...and knowing it isn't over...

It's too scary.

The universe has decided I am ready to receive encrypted lessons.