Idea from: A New Fork In The Journey: My Favorite Kind of Meme
The rules as stated in the blog:
"The idea is that you answer all the questions by typing your answer into Google Image search and post the answer in the form of an image that comes up. For poetic license we’ll say you can choose from the first 10 results but the idea is, of course, to work with the randomness of the responses."

1.What makes you happy?




2.What are you most ashamed of in yourself?



3.Where do you see yourself in 10 years?




4.What is the first thing you remember?



5.What has gotten you through your darkest hour?



6.What did your parents' house smell like?



7.What is one word that you use far too often?




8.One word you associate with your best kept secret:



9.One word describing a recurrent theme in your dreams:



10.What disgusts you most in others?



11.One word that describes your first lover:




12.One word that describes your current (or last) lover:

What if god has low self-esteem?

I had this thought about God and the creation of the current universe. Usually I don't capitalize God but since I essentially created this one, it can be a pronoun. Anyway...here is my creation story.


God was a being which existed and didn't know why. All that seemed to exist was a lonely mind and an endless string of thoughts and feelings which existed without words or the idea of words. With no reason to feel anything other than loneliness, all that God had was a stark emptiness which lasted for what may have been a second, a year, or forever. God did not have any strong concept of time, and it did not know how long it had existed, or why. Without a reason to exist, God began to experience a sort of self-hatred and feeling of unworthiness. In the struggle to accept itself, God began to experience a new aspect, creativity. Anything could have come first; words, sounds, complex ideas and feelings, but once these things were born within God, they took on a life of their own. Like an idea that comes to us for no conceivable reason, God began to experience/create things that are basic to us. When God discovered sight, it craved something to see, and stars were born. When God discovered sound, a wind rushed through the universe. When God discovered touch, it created heat in the stars, so it would have something to feel. In the heat of the stars, the loneliness and unworthiness would temporarily be burned away, giving way to more creativity and curiosity. When the stars were not enough to keep God from feeling alone, it began to create universe after universe, exploring every sense it had discovered. Some universes were merely an endless spectrum of colors or smells. Some universes were grand skies filled with what we might call angels, and some were filled with our other creatures of myth. Some universes existed in an inanimate sort of way, cosmic paintings created by an ethereal artist. In some universes, God experimented with its' own consciousness, and its' ability to evolve and be creative. Life forms infused with consciousness began to have their own ideas and creations, such as movement, language, and art. Every new idea became a part of God, and it began to feel more and more complete, and in turn it created more and more universes. It could watch if it wanted, plant seeds of change when it wanted, but tended to let its' universes grown and evolve as much as they could on their own.

In our world, a thing exists called a soul, a manifestation of the original Consciousness that seeks to alleviate perpetual loneliness and self-doubt by being creative and introspective. In this theory, we are all one, born from the same soul, all ultimately rushing to a particular goal. One goal may be to return to the original consciousness, which would occur in death, and possibly to recycle into one of God's universes.

Now I hate May AND June

The weird thing is, of all the people I'm close to in my life...my mother seemed to be the most shocked. I cant remember the last time I actually cried on my mother like that. It was comforting, but I felt so young and so small.

*sigh*

At some point I deleted my photo folder and didn't notice. I should make it a habit to check the recycle bin before I empty it I guess...but Im so mad at myself... I had photos from the coast...and hundreds of random others I had for sentimental/narcisssistic reasons... at least the few I forgot to add to the folder are still there x____x'''

Yggdrasil

I hate the way you smell.
I hate the way you touch me whether I want you to or not.
I hate all the power you have over people.
I hate when I start to find myself wanting your approval.
I hate that you talk away all my issues with you, until I doubt myself.
I hate who you remind me of.
I hate that you're younger than me, and you don't respect me.
I hate that when you're angry, all fall silent.
I hate that what you say goes.
I hate what you've done to those who love you.
I hate that you will never change.
I hate that this all causes me rage.
I hate that I feel guilty for not liking you.


This all has nothing to do with me.

Fresh

I still wonder what it's like to have blind faith. To believe something so truly that nothing can shake my beliefs. Nothing can change my mind. Even if that opinion was 'wrong' or hurtful, I wonder what it would be like to KNOW there is a god, or to KNOW there is no god, or to know with all your heart that there is more to life than the physical plane.

I want to remember what an untainted mind feels like. Before paranoia, doubt, betrayal, hate, jealousy, rage, self-destruction, and the concept of truly giving up snaked their way into my mind. That must have been a long time ago. Of course I suppose even as a child I had these thoughts, problems, and so on, but they were so much more frivolous. You hated someone because they broke one of your toys, or you were afraid of dogs because of something you saw on television when you were six. Those things don't stick with you the same way as hating someone because they broke your heart, or being afraid of dogs because once you were attacked by someone's badly abused dog after it escaped from its' home.

I want to be back in a time when everything was a big deal because it was momentous and special and new...now everything is a big deal because it's just another reason to be jaded and depressed.

Then again, I started being depressed in probably about the fourth grade...and the first time I cut myself on purpose was well before puberty. ... I remember being angry at myself when I did it...but I have no idea why now.


...anyway my mind is wandering. that's what these blogs are for I guess.