Frayed Pages

i've been thinking about that bookstore dream again... I wonder what book my dream self is looking for. As far as I can tell the book would be old, and probably not common...because in my dreams I always look in used bookstores... the book is about something to do with the occult... I assume witchcraft but that's a pretty broad guess... I know alot of dreams are symbols of something else... but I think this one is a bit more literal...I wish I could figure out what book I want, and then how to get it.

I've typed a blog post two times already and deleted it when I was done.

I tried abstracting my feelings, I tried stating them in a gentle sort of manner. I can't do it. I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared of that night I hate. I'm afraid all the words inside of me are stuck. I tried to get them out a million times today and they won't come out because I'm scared.

Right now I'm watching a piece of flea/fly paper and it's victims... On one hand...fleas are bad and cause pain, itching, and infection, especially in cute fuzzy cats living in the apartment, but its depressing. A couple of them are still moving in vain, trying to get free. I don't know how they die, or how fast...maybe they starve. It's like a come as you are graveyard. Do fleas have complex conscious thought? If so I wonder what they think about in the last minutes/hours. Probably "i should have jumped the other way." Actually there's a small spider there...and a house fly. Why was the house fly on the floor in the first place? It's kind of gross, all the little dead bodies. Oh well. I'm not even at my own house...it's not my flea paper...