I think when I was younger I had alot to say, and no one to say it to. But now I have all this stuff inside me, and I can't make heads or tails of any of it...
I'm sorry about how my life has turned out. There are relationships that are broken, and I wish I'd been more careful, more intelligent, more understanding in the past, because maybe things would have gone differently. There are relationships that I held on to for far too long, and they destroyed some of the best in me.
When I was 17, and 18, I used to love clouds. My Na'cha've used to tell me on the phone about the incredible feeling he got from just watching the beauty of the ever-changing landscape in the sky, and after a while, I began to really understand what he meant. I would spend my bus rides to class staring out the window in absolute ecstasy, gazing at the different shapes and colors of the clouds in the sky. Every different texture was mesmerizing, and it was difficult to tear my eyes away. It was the most intense bliss I can remember. Soon, the feeling spread to looking at the myriad of colors in trees, in flowers, and so on. It was wonderful. But further into my 18th year, my soul just up and died. I lost what was most precious to me, though at the time I didn't realize it. I lost the clouds. Losing my Na'cha've, trust, friendships, was all hard, but losing the clouds was such a great wrong. I feel like now I have no inspiration.
I guess I can't get most of it back. I might never speak to my Na'cha've again, I'll never be friends with Rebecca again, and I might never trust a friend or lover. But if I could just open myself up to the sky again, it would be a great start.
