Burned

I woke up next to the enemy
To find I was missing a part of me
All I had left
To remember my name
Was a feeling of doubt
Of loathing and shame
I recovered all my anger
For myself and for them
But without any answers
To escape from within
When I've broken down
When all is lost
When I swear my vengeance
At any cost
There'll be a hole in my world
Shaped like hate
An emptiness
I will never escape
Do I take some action
To defy the past
Do I fall in line
Do I come in last?
Which is more important?
Being on top
Or being on the level?
Having some revenge
Or living with myself?
When I touched my anger
I cursed and cursed
And whatever happened
I blamed myself for the worst...

True Ugliness

At first the conversation amused me...but after a while it got me down about human nature, and my appearance in general. I mean the photo in question is severely dated...but I still look like that.... anyway. not going to post all the text. just going to post a link to my LJ entry.

Click here and share my pain

On Tuesday morning, I decided to go for a walk...since it was 8 or 9ish, and i hadn't gone to sleep yet... as soon as I walked outside it started to sprinkle...the air was cold, and as the rain drops started to freeze, I thought how much I missed snow...and how much this freezing rain reminded me of snow... as I walked further it really did start snowing... I felt a sense of child-like wonder fill me, and held my hands out, and smiled as I walked... it was the best moment I'd had in a while.

just thought i would post that...

God damnit I fucking hate talking to brick walls. I hate it when people don't fucking listen to my words. MY WORDS MEAN NOTHING, I GET IT. One man knocking me down far lower than I deserve, one man acting like I'm some sort of fucking great girl who is just too good for him. Don't my feelings matter?? I AM NOT A FUCKING PUNCHING BAG, AND I AM NOT TO BE USED AS A TOOL OF SELF DEPRECIATION!!! Fucking hell. I lost my god damn spine a long time ago, and the minute I get it back, the SECOND I get my fucking courage back, I am going to have alot to say. Unless I'm wrong. Am I wrong here? Do I have an incorrect impression of what's going on in my fucking life? I'm getting blamed for when I get treated like shit, I'm getting blamed for when others feel like shit ON THEIR OWN, what the fuck did I do?

Oh my fucking god, I don't even know how to explain how upset, and angry, and low I feel. I'm so fucking tired of this. I wish the tables would turn.

unfinished

I'm going insane. If I don't write, I'll crack. I used to be like this. That 's why I have so many really bad poems from a few years back floating around my room. Bad poetry is cathartic.


Open your eyes
I've fallen through the ice
Into a cavern of your nightmares
Who know me by sight

I'm drowning inside
Underneath the ice
Locked alone with demons
All waiting to strike

I'm armed with a compromise
If they take my life
Maybe I'll escape
In some form I'll survive

Breaking out of the ice
A body consumed
Explodes like a phoenix
Screaming fire

Inside

I unearthed a bad feeling a few days ago. The feeling, is of course tied to a bad memory. It hasn't gone away...it clings to me like some sort of grease I can't seem to scrub off. Every so often I feel the familiar lump in my throat, and tears starting to form, but I can barely cry. I don't understand why it's hurting me so much. I numb my mind with my computer games, and my tv, but I only really feel any peace when I'm playing with my cat. Sleep offer no solace, of course. When you bottle stuff inside, that's where it will wreak havoc. I wish I were someone who deserved better. I wish I could feel, or know I have worth. Everyone needs to feel that, right??