Well I've been hibernating for nearly two months now, with no end in sight... I guess without college I never did have much of a life. Before I got my GED I was just as reclusive...
I don't ever really do...or WANT to do much beyond watching tv or playing computer games... but I'm not even depressed. Just disinterested.

It's a shame though, because I have ALL this free time, and a gazillion art supplies, and I am profoundly, severely, utterly uninspired. I'd go off the zoloft and see if that helps if it wasn't for the part where I'd go all broody.

But I still do enjoy the company of my friends... I was thinking about it last night...and the presence of my weekly hangout with Shayne/Justin/Adrian actually makes me happy, and smile, and blah blah blah... etc... So it's not like I'm dead.

...also apparently I still have enough in me to go out and get drunk with a certain pisces and try my damned-est not to fall over and whatnot in public, which was surprisingly a whole lot of fun...

anyway...
It's peanut butter jelly time.
seriously.
im hungry.

baby steps

I decided that since it was 7:30, and I was still awake... I would try jogging...I can't run very far without getting winded and overwhelmed...So for the most part I was walking... I was only out for 20 minutes...and a few of those were spent on a park bench watching geese..

I'm still proud of myself though...even though it's not a big thing...
I think if I can go out and do the most minute amount of exercise for the PURPOSE of exercising... maybe I can do the same thing on another day.

Anyway my cat is starting to try and sleep on the keyboard...id better go to bed...

Not only is Soylent Green people, but I have in on good authority that it contains MSG.

One of the ways I lost myself

I've spent the last few weeks in a comfortable zoloft-induced numbness, and all of a sudden it stopped a few days ago. Things are starting to bother me again...My memories are suffocating me again... One in particular tonight, or I guess this morning, as I'm trying to sleep...I don't know why, and right now, I don't care. I just want to get it out.

It had been an uncomfortable day at best. Her boyfriend finally had confirmation that she was cheating, and with who, and he was quite angry. Yet somehow, we all ended up going to the fair together. It waas worse than just knowing the secret, because now as we walked around and chatted, there was a gigantic violent elephant walking with us, that we all struggled to ignore. We rode the ferris wheel, the lion, the fish, and I. What a bad decision that was on my part. I had to spend what felt like an eternity watching them hold hands and kiss while her boyfriend stood below watching the wheel go around. I remember hoping he couldnt see what they were doing, and at the same time wanting him to see it, and say something, and break the ice. It didn't happen though, and when the horrible night was finally over, all I wanted was to be alone with the fish and pretend nothing else was going on. So I walked with him to his home, we talked, we slept, I don't really remember if anything else happened before that...

The next morning I was feeling comfortable and content. I was next to him, it was nice, and the lion wasn't there, no one else was there. We played with eachother's hands and talked, until a dreadful unexpected sound came to my ears, and it was the lion's voice from outside. "DOOOOOOMAAAAAA!!!" She'd come to the apartment...because she knew I was alone with him. She'd left her boyfriend at home, and gotten a ride into town because she knew I was alone with him. I wanted to pretend we weren't there, but the fish let her in, and we all acted like pals with know skeletons in the closet.

The weirder part was later. For some reason, the lion and I had switched clothes, I think just for the novelty of confusing the fish, but now we were all lying in his small bed. I have no idea why the three of us were lying there, I wish I had just gone in the other room. I closed my eyes...I felt his touch...I could also feel him trying to keep my head from lifting up. I guess on some level he didn't want me to see. I could anyway...he was kissing her...they were kissing and I was lying right there, suddenly appalled by his touch, and I felt part of something so dirty and disgusting that to this day I still feel sick and teary thinking about it.

It felt so wrong, and I felt so unbelievably low, and meaningless, and lonely, and angry, and I just wanted to run away.
I did get up finally, hoping maybe it would stop...and I walked out of the room. When I came back in, she was stradling him, in my clothes, kissing him, and if I remember correctly he was pulling her bra off.
Feelings of horror intensified.
I dont remember what happened after that... obviously at some point we went on with out lives and I shifted the day into my vault of horrible memories.

I feel like I just can't get over how low and scummy and worthless that moment made me feel. If my "best friend" and the man I'd come to care deeply for could do that not only in front of me, but BESIDE me, knowing how I felt...then I must not be worth much at all.

...Ok...I've typed that out. Maybe I can get to sleep.

Big Plume

Years and years ago, when my world was full of the pain of adolescence, when I thought my lonely little existence was the worst...that things couldn't get worse, that no one understood me... that I had no qualities whatsoever... My Na'cha've, told me that I had to fight hate with love.

I need to remember this...not just fighting the hate/anger/jealousy/mistrust I have for others...but all that I have for myself... :| with love. I used to think it was such a hokey thing to say... but everyone knows deep down that it is far easier to hate than to love...

I am eternally grateful to him for all the wise lessons he gave to me when I was too stupid/selfish/stubborn to understand, and now I only wish I could remember them...