History in the making

Okay.
My last project for my graphic design class was SO bad, I actually got a G+.

A G. Plus.

The instructor has a quirky sense of humor, I'll give him that.

---So...I'm dropping out of college for at least the next year...
I'm going to need to get a job...
...and hobbies.

I don't want to be a waiter!!

I saw mirrormask with my friends tonight. Very cool. The flying fish gave me the creeps though, because it was a concept my friend and I have gone over in great detail in the past...about how creepy that would be, problems arising from it, etc...

I must be dreaming.

Grave

I watched the world through a sea of lies
I lost my edge
I lost my will to go on
I spent my days in a quilted tomb
I watched the sun come and go
Through eyelids sealed shut
Red burning through my skin
Words tumbled from my lips
They made no sense even to me
But they were not made to deceive
When I was living
My words burned through others
Corosive
I sailed along the sea of lies
I brought buckets of my own to contribute
My tongue was dusty by the end
Gritty and grainy
Sifting away like sand through my fingers
Dissolving in a sea of lies
I have no words left to say
I have no faith
On a bed lost in a sea of lies
I watch my life go by

Bipolarity.

For the too-quiet moments of your life.

Meow Mix

about my cat...

My cat is my soul-mate. Not in a romantic movie sense of course, but rather she is the essence of me. She's a total spaz who wants attention, but is afraid of people. Somehow her markings make me think of her as a big cuddly moth. I call her my bug. She doesn't really catch that of course. After all, it took ages for her to understand that when I say "Lina," I am in fact referring to her. Now the trick is to teach her several other phrases, such as "just because the bigger/older cat is in the room, doesn't mean you have to abandon your food or your napping spot." Perhaps something shorter. Then again, maybe she does understand me. Perhaps when I pet her and ask "who's the best kitty in the whole world?" and she tries to eat my hand, that's her way of saying "I am." Somehow, my dear sweet cat grew up lacking a few personality traits common in cats... such as "courage," "territorialism," "sanity," things like that. She could spend a day sleeping in a nice comfortable spot she's found, but if my mom's cat comes in and wants the spot, all she need do is growl and possibly say something threatening in cat language that I can't hear, and Lina will flee miles away. The poor thing. I wonder how I would teach a cat to not tolerate bullying... Maybe I spend too much time thinking about my cat. But she's so cute... when I pet her and try to take my hand away, she lashes a paw out, claws and all, and grabs my hand to pull it back. ...Which is both precious, and rude. She gives me kitty kisses, which are so cute...I wish she didn't drool though...

anyway. just posting this for anyone who thinks all I ever think about is depression and pisceans.

Grievances...

I've been given a new secret from someone who is not a friend. I'm extremely worried about this. Terrified, and angry that I'm so worried. Who am I supposed to confide in? My trust is a bit messed up at the moment. Everything is. I had a great night until the bottom fell out, and now all is real again.

I'm lonely, and I suspect my cat is only with me for the food.
I'm tired but I've had enough of epic dreams with mazes, and visits to places I've already dreamed... that I can't understand.
I'm gaining weight and I'm afraid to eat now, but food is comforting.
I'm doing badly in my classes but it's kind of hard to care.
My room is a mess.
I hate trying to find a job, because it only gives me more reasons to feel rejected.
I hate when I remember what I can be like on a bad day...that was a good day...when I have no reason to be down.

Not Good Enough

I've heard that I'm too pushy.
That I'm clingy.
That I'm mean.
I've heard that I'm demanding.
And obsessive.
And obscene.
I've heard that I'm too sensitive.
Disrespectful
And I'm rude.
I've heard that I'm dishonest.
With a childish attitude.

When am I too wonderful?
Too special,
Or too sweet?
When am I too incredible?
Too original,
Too complete?

I've freaked out several times this week...in the sense that I've had dramatic reactions to negative stimuli. Unfortunately, I'm supposed to go talk to my doctor about my medicenes some time soon...and she's going to have me fill out one of those god damn "are you crazy" surveys... I wonder if I should lie or not. Then again maybe what I should have is an upped dosage and I cant get that if I don't tell her it's not really helping.

...Maybe what I need is some anti-psychotics like Zach's neighbor said(in a non malicious way, mind you)

That would be an exciting adjustment period I'm sure.


I just realized this isn't any of my slightly poetic writing...oops.
Should I still post this?....

Claustrophobia

I had a dream that the door was open. But as I stepped through it all went black, and once again I was laying on a bed of nails. My body was too heavy, the suitcases I cluthed in my arms were pushing me down. When I stood, life dripped from a thousand holes in my back. As I walked to the door again, the bags begame heavier and heavier, and I thought they could only aid me in my quest. So, with the bags in my arms, I threw myself against the door. It remained closed, and more bags fell from above. They buried me. I screamed knowing no one would hear me. The door opened, and someone began to pull the bags off my sobbing form. I thought I caught a glimpse of brown eyes and freckles.