I think what I want is to be seen, and for people to be happy to see me. Is anyone happy to see me? Am I happy to see myself??

A swing and a miss.

When you swing the bat I can never tell if you're aiming at the ball or at my head. If you're aiming at the ball, then you've missed enough times to give me severe brain damage. Every time that bat connects with my skull, my thoughts become jittery and confused, rattling around in my brain like some song I can't get out of my head, and don't know the words to. The confusion is intense, and I mistake it for pain. Or am I mistaking pain for confusion?? When the little cartoon stars stop circling my head, I can't help but think how much getting hit in the head sucks. I get ticked off at you for not paying attention to what you're doing with that damn bat. I can tell you a million times, "don't you fucking hit me in the head with that bat," but it'll happen anyway. These strikes DO count.

Are we infected? Are we filling with decayed matter from a rusted faucet? Is our hand turning the faucet on? Do we thrive in our infection, in our illness? Do we bubble like sulfur in the face of something new?? When we bleed, does it infect our families? Our friends? Do we infect the ones we love?? Are we poisonous in our blood?

Cheers from the sidewalk

Too many confused faces coming around the corner.
Do you live a comfortable life?
Are you wondering why I'm here?
Do I make you uneasy?
Are you paying attention to where you're going?
Are you tired?
Did I interrupt your conversation?
Did you know if you don't pay attention you could get us all killed?
Why do you want my attention?
Is your conversation so important that it has to happen now?
Can it all wait?
Is this the highlight of your day?
Can you feel the rest of the world going by you?
Are you headed somewhere important?
Is your cargo precious?
Are you bored?
Are you lonely?

We are all addicted.

Dream

I have this recurring dream, about being in a used bookstore. Sometimes I enter the bookstore from what looks like the second floor of the center building of my school. The bookstore is always really cluttered, with things organized yet disorganized, books everywhere, even on the floor. It's never crowded as far as people are concerned, and sometimes there are two floors. Once when I had the dream, I was on the second floor, which was more of a border around the first floor, not an ENTIRE floor, and I think there was no railing between it and the first floor...I recall walking around the edge with the books everywhere wondering if I was going to fall...or something like that. I'm always looking for -something-...and I always tell myself that after I'm done with whatever that is, I'll go look around in the ancient books section. I think it's a section of ancient maybe occult knowledge, and I always PLAN on going there every time I have the dream...but I never actually end up going. I get distracted, and the dream eventually ends. Every time I have the dream there is a sense of deja vu... and when I wake up I can't remember if I've had the dream before, or not. Either I've only had it once, or I've had it several times. Sometimes it's hard to tell. I do believe it's been more than once. At least next time I have it I'll have this to prove I've had it before.

The meanng, though. I really want to know the meaning of a dream like that.

Spell

An opened eye
Unburdened heart
To let my soul
Not fall apart

Turn my back now on the past
Away from that which did not last
To let my heart and soul be free
Erase the caging memory

Banish my demons to the sky
That they may wither and they may die
As they perish within my view
If I remain lost, may I find my way through

The Gift

I prayed for many things... and I was given one of them... it was one of the things that, though i did not want, I knw I needed it... and now I have it. Naturally I don't appreciate the gift, because it burns. No matter how much I asked for it, it still burns. Sometimes the cure feels worse than the disease. I am at this point determined not to give in to old habits and fall apart.I will pretend this is a brand new day, and I am a brand new me, and I am beyond the ways of the old me.