breathe harder
run
run so fast your heart leaps away
it runs ahead
speeds and marks your path in advance
follow your heart
the consequences will be behind you.

Ovums

*coming to you from: Celestive - Eve - Vivian - Fayth - Shen*

So, I ran into a girl I was friends with, but had sort of lost touch with over a year ago... and she was about seven months pregnant... after a few minutes of chatting, I discovered nearly every girl I was friends with in middle school is currently 6+ months pregnant. FOUR different pregnancies...and for most of them, it's the second baby. I'm not sure that any of them are married, or that they even have "active" fathers in the soon-to-be-born's life, but still. Then there's me: unemployed, still single, incredibly reclusive, and not even in school...and now I'm bummed because I don't have a baby. :( I mean I can't have a baby seeing as I'm unemployed and single AND live with my mom & brother... I don't know... I just suddenly feel extremely "un-grown up" and behind in the adulthood thing.

Maybe I'm just a super-slow starter and in 5 years I will have some sort of fabulous life, as some sort of successful career type, or weird housemom or something. I mean probably not. I don't even know which I'd prefer.

Well whatever. I'm just having some sort of "where am I going, why is everyone having babies and not me" sort of day here. I'll get over it.

x-posted on LJ. VERBALLY x-posted everywhere

Giving You Up

Forget it.
I'm never gonna give you up.
NEVER gonna let you down.




Is it just as good if it's without sound??

the color of esteem

*coming to you from: Celestive - Eve - Vivian - Fayth - Shen*

It turns out my mom is going to pay for most of the class I take, so that rocks... and mean I have to do it now, right? I'm thinking "Art Medium Sampler: Find your creative 'muse' by sampling five different one dimensional art mediums. Two weeks each of: colored pencils, pastels, acrylics, watercolor, and oil paints. This is a 'test before you invest' way to help you choose your favorite. All supplies provided some of which you may take home."

There's also that watercolor class...but it's ...at the senior center...which sounds like maybe not my cup of tea.

So I've felt lonely the past few days of course... but safer. A dangerous thought train, I'm sure.... but it's alot harder to get hurt by people if there's no people. But it's a trade off, isn't it. I've been talking out loud to myself alot more for one... THAT'S never a good sign. One nice thing was that an old friend I've always had some school-girl crush on said that he at some point had liked me... of course he was drunk at the time... and I'm pretty sure it was past tense... and it's not like we'd ever be skipping around the park hand in hand since one of us is in a relationship and the other one is insane. (...Which is which!?) .. But it's still soothing to my poor busted self-esteem.

Anyhoo. Just some more random crap. I'm trying to blog more. I figure that'll open me up some, and maybe lead to some outburst of orgasmic creativity at some point.

*coming to you from: Celestive - Eve - Vivian - Fayth - Shen *



I was so crabby tonight that I smoked a cigarette. It's such deviant behaviour unbefitting of a woman of my station. ...well ok not really but it did make me feel weird. Mmm nicotine. Plus the cigarette came from a pack I bought sometime early last year...so it wasn't "fresh" I suppose. I think I've smoked three in the last year. It doesn't do much for me.

I was in an off mood a bit ago so I drew on my scars with a bright red marker. I thought it might have the same effect as seeing my own blood... Uhh it didn't. Plus it's marker so it doesn't wash off as easily. It was worth a shot. I'm not going to cut myself tonight anyway. I had such a bad february(well bad in the sense of my own scary emotional rollercoaster) and I made it through without any new cuts... I'm kind of proud of that. But I really wanted to :(

I want to move away. I've sort of burned through the friends I had early on when I got here, and I don't know if I want to try making new ones. I feel like I should just go. But if I'm just going to stay in and not talk to anyone, I guess I don't need to move, do I. My mom said since I'm not really talking to any of my old friends I can just pretend I'm in a new city. Plus I don't have a job, so the only place I'd have to go to would be like with my grandparents/my father on the other coast. That'd be...weird.

So my mom suggested I take a non-credit class this spring... it sounds like a good idea... I could possibly socialize with people sharing a similar interest... learn a little... get out of my room once a week. But the classes are mostly 100+ dollars for the course... and nothing in the catalog really jumped out at me. I'm thinking maybe the "Expressionistic, Beginning & Intermediate" watercolor class...at least I'd already have the supplies. There's also a set of fashion design courses... and a fencing class... I haven't taken a fencing class in like 6 years... and a novel writing class...anyway so I'm considering all that.

I guess I've typed enough for now.

Gee, guess I jumped the fucking gun a bit, didn't I?

I can't enjoy the little time I have left with you. It's too hard to be in the now, because after now, you'll be gone again. You're leaving again, for greener pastures and a warm and safe sky, and what if this is the time that you don't come back? _